A continuation of the original thread (http://www.retouchpro.com/forums/salon/5407-chuckle-day-jokes-humourous-tales-here-please.html).

And to launch things off:
(via http://www.firelady40.com/over40.html)

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoe and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

An American, an Irishman, and an Englishman are all stood at the top of the Empire State Building after having a serious night on the town.

"You know, when you've had more than 15 pints of beer you can fly", says the American, and promptly climbs over the railings and flies round the building.

"Wow" says the Irishman and climbs over himself. As he launches himself into space, instead of flying he plummets to the ground below.

The Englishman turns to the American and says "You know you're a right b*****d when you're drunk Superman!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

English man, Irish man and Scott's man are standing at the edge of a cliff. All 3 are forced to jump off, but are granted a final wish.
English man jumps off and shouts " I want to land in soft foam" and he gets his wish and walks away unhurt.
Scott's man jumps off and shouts " I want to be able to fly" , and he flies off in to the sunset.
Irish man jumps off and shouts " Ooooooooooooohhhhhh s**t" :D

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
:spchless:

How many Dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
>>
>>Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
>>our
>>whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
>>burned out bulb?
>>
>>Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
>>not up
>>to code.
>>
>>Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
>>
>>Rottweiler: Make me.
>>
>>Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the
>>dark.
>>
>>Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
>>Can I?
>>Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please,
>>please!
>>
>>German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
>>from
>>the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just
>>one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
>>advantage
>>of the situation.
>>
>>Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off
>>the
>>walls and furniture.
>>
>>Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a
>>light
>>bulb?
>>
>>Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
>>dark.
>>
>>Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
>>
>>Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
>>
>>Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
>>
>>Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
>>little
>>circle...
>>
>>Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
>>By
>>the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
>>
>>The Cat's Answer:
>>"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the
>>real
>>question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light,
>>some dinner, and a massage?"
>>
>>ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS
>>HAVE
>>STAFF.
:tongue: :classic:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

===============================================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

===============================================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

===============================================



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

===============================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All PinHead Employees

DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Stinking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your frigging salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

===============================================



FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Deer Santa, :classic:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

************************************************** ***
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set
you up with a Barbie.

Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
of Scotch.
Santa
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our
home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa


:eek: :tongue:

Christmas Dog

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.

What's that now---footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard--- And a big sack for robbin' the house?

I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.

Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've guarded the tree.

---Shel Silverstein

Fun With Food :bigthmb:

2 tsp. water, 4cups sugar
4 large eggs, 3 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda , 1 teaspoon salt
4 cups brown sugar , lemon juice, nuts,
1 stick butter
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?


hiccup......... :eek: :ditsy: :rainbow:

summerz -- :bigthmb: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :dizzy: :dizzy:

Priceless! :bigthmb:

Here's one to get you over the Christmas blues (the thought of having to go back to work).

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business…
Now, give me back my dog.”

lol, gary :)

:lol: :lol: :lmao: :lol: :lmao: :lol: :lmao:

Love it, Love it, Love it!!

Bunnies run / jump in the steeplechase :aghast:

I found it at Cuteoverload.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNPOdffkkLo

:lol: :lol: :lol: I wonder how they train them to do that?

:lol: :lol: :lol: I wonder how they train them to do that?


Sometimes they don't.... :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43ecjWV0P5g

This is how some bunnies learn to jump... (don't worry -- no harm to anyone)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ez5QPW-ku4

:lmao: I guess that rabbit's nickname should be "Hilts". :D :D :D It obviously learned it's fence jumping technique from Steve Mc Queen (The Great Escape).

... :D :D :D It obviously learned it's fence jumping technique from Steve Mc Queen (The Great Escape).


:lol: :D That hadn't occurred to me!

For any of us who have had a hard time learning to use a new piece of technology -- programming the VCR, learning to use a computer, learning Photoshop/Paint Shop Pro/Painter, learning to text message on a cell phone, etc. -- people have always needed "Tech Support"...
Tech Support for new invention -- The Book (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aX0-nqRmtos)

Gary -- is that you in the hat?

Gary -- is that you in the hat?

No, he's got too much hair, and he's far too patient (I shout and curse a lot). I do however like the hat, do you know where I can get one?

I also note that the perceptiveness of clients and their questions hasn't altered much over the years :D :D :D .

Where do you find these? This one is precious. Thanks for sharing.

Janet

P.S. You realize I DO know where you find these, that I said this with tongue in cheek, don't you? hehehe

Where do you find these? This one is precious. Thanks for sharing....Janet

Janet, I'm not the one who finds them usually -- one of my friends emails me some and Cuteoverload.com gets some -- I am simply a "grateful receptacle" who wants the fun of sharing with other friendly folks! ;)

6th Grade Misspelling

[The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

:bigthmb: :lmao: :lmao:

Got this in my mail.:grin:

"One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband & told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold
until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap & folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved & pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, & twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday !" :eek:

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

:blush:

Ohhhh, how I hope this is one of those "urban legends" because it would be SO embarrassing if it truly happened to some lady....especially me! :eek: :lol: :lol:

Ohhhh, how I hope this is one of those "urban legends" because it would be SO embarrassing if it truly happened to some lady....especially me! :eek: :lol: :lol:

You mean you eat beans CJ ? :grin:

You mean you eat beans CJ ? :grin:


No, Gary -- I do NOT eat beans, and I never wear blindfolds! :) ;)

No, Gary -- I do NOT eat beans, and I never wear blindfolds! :) ;)

Come on, you do really! Go on, tell me the truth, you know I won't tell anyone. :) :wink:

The thing you need a Chemist shop (drug store) for nowadays!!!



Peter

Ever think that maybe something was going on in the wee hours of the AM????

www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

Here's an example of the "LOLcats" invading the internet --

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/02/14/parashoot1/

From the website:
"Snowball is a medium sulphur-crested Eleanora cockatoo (that's a bird, folks) and he loves to dance and sing. He loves the Back Street Boys. No one taught Snowball to dance...he just heard this song and suddenly felt like dancing. ... And at the end of the performance he takes a bow or two or twenty!! Enjoy the show. (You might want to turn the sound down a bit...)

http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html (http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html)

Press the Play button on the video

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps
talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?

Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to
enjoy your well-earned privacy:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop and open it.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep
breath

6. Click on the following web address:


http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf


7. Watch him go white!

:lmao: :eek:

I'm sending a copy to a bunch of folks, but highly recommend that NO one ever does that! :lol:

Good one, Gary!

highly recommend that NO one ever does that! :lol:


Yeah, not to be recommended when there's a sky marshal on board. :wink: :D

If the person next to you is able to read the writing, they might become even more upset because the writing does not say anything, its more like just random letters, nonsensical.

... they might become even more upset because the writing does not say anything, its more like just random letters, nonsensical.

Wow! I'm impressed that you can read it. To me, they're just very pretty designs. How did a "Mike living in Colorado" learn Arabic?

Wow! I'm impressed that you can read it. To me, they're just very pretty designs. How did a "Mike living in Colorado" learn Arabic?

Because Mikes loving son makes his living knowing all sorts of things Arabic. After awhile I have learned to at least kind of know when the writing looks correct or not, it didn't so I sent it to him and he told me.

Nice one Mike.

I can read Arabic numbers, but that's about as far as I go (learnt them from the mileposts at the side of the Suez Canal, the canal guidebook has Arabic/English translations).

i'm sure that this applys for other places but for any one that has ever driven in Ontario Canada on the 400 series hiways especially in Toronto this is so true .


Anyone who does any driving will appreciate this....


The Real Ontario Driver's Handbook

For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto, the 2008 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles

On the first day, God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as


a public service

...Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service

Peter, I know you say no thanks are necessary, but I feel the need to thank you -- it's one of my "monkey tricks".

This forum software is limited in its emoticons, so I'll use what they have to create what I need: :hairbow: + :oldman: = older woman

Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/kitchen_floor_conflict_intensifies?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

MAPLEWOOD, MO—Ongoing turmoil in the troubled kitchen-floor region of the Branson household reached a boiling point Tuesday, as relations between rival house cats Boswell and Johnson erupted into fresh violence. Observers said the arrival of a new brown paper-bag in the area ignited long-standing tensions and set off another round of territorial conflict between the two factions in the most serious aggression since the devastating stove-side siege of 2005.


The afternoon was marred by sporadic fighting, according to reports, with opposing forces darting and then retreating in surprise attacks. Boswell held his position despite relentless onslaughts from Johnson, who repeatedly batted the controversial bag along the ancient linoleum surface. By the end of the day, neither side displayed any intention to halt reprisals without the other first relinquishing claims and pulling out permanently—an outcome those close to the fighting called "unlikely at best."

"What people unfamilar with the history here must understand is that this seemingly empty and barren paper bag has rapidly become the third most important site in the area after the scratching post in the living room and the breakfast-nook windowsill," former CIA analyst Brian Haddox said. "Not only is it seen by both Boswellist and Johnsonian interests as a crucial location for establishing territorial control in the kitchen-floor region, but it also makes a crumpling sound that both sides find irresistible."

Added Haddox, "Unfortunately, hostilities have destabilized this already tenuous peace at least until nap time."

The bag, a brown paper grocery bag from Stop & Shop with no prior claims of cat ownership attached to it, became the center of a wide-scale power play when Boswell seized control of its highly contested interior, and occupied the disputed area for approximately 30 seconds. Following immediate Johnsonian reprisals, Boswell unleashed a barrage of swats, but failed to secure a position in the bag.


Reports from the ground indicated that Johnson, once in possession of the perimeter region up to the cat dish, was forced in the early afternoon to retreat to the green rug zone, where he licked his paws with apparent disinterest for an estimated 10 minutes. Without warning, Johnson then launched a full-frontal assault on Boswell's forces, pouncing from behind and eventually chasing his rival all the way to the bathroom sink. The heavy leaping and grappling was broken only by periods of intense mutual licking. At one point, the conflict escalated into full-fledged upside-down kicking of each other in the face before Boswell was distracted by an errant ball rolling across the floor, bringing the factions to an uneasy standstill.

Despite the intensity of the fighting, no serious injuries were reported.

"People in the middle of this have tried everything they can to quell the violence, including bringing in a second bag, but nothing has worked," said U.N. investigator Caroline Olivera, adding that many residents were furious at the combatants for knocking over and destroying a prized vase in November. "It is beginning to appear that any long-term solution may have to involve deployment of the disciplinary squirt bottle."

According to International Red Cross worker Etienne Zervudacki, there was a temporary lull in the violence when both factions shifted their attention to a nearby can of tuna, craning their necks and licking their lips in apparent unity before eventually returning to the battle. While the short-lived truce was hopeful, Zervudacki said, it was a fragile pact that ignored the true causes of dilemma.

"The biggest shame here is that these two sides are so entrenched in their differences that they don't realize they are brothers," said Zervudacki, noting that even though both parties were reportedly curled up together on the sofa at press time, violence would likely break out again tomorrow. "If it's not the paper bag, it will be something else, like aluminum foil, toy mice, or plastic rings from two-gallon milk jugs."

Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag


:):):) :grin: :grin: :grin:

Summerz -- that is a great find! So well written.

That's a great piece Summerz. I have similar wars here but not between two cats, just One hubby, One cat and a empty chair, they always seem to want the same one, and i am rather ashamed to say the cat usually wins ( except when it impedes watching football ) well she does have claws and teeth ! ! ! ! !:grin:

Palms

^^ Glad you liked it.
Amazing how the little critters usually get their way lol.

Tea Party
> >
One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my
brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
toilet?"

Tea Party ...

:) :grin: :D :lmao:

That was such a sweet story, even with the funny ending!

Hope he does not have his shotgun !!!

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