This came through my e-mail today, so perhaps others have seen it, but I got a chuckle out of it. :)
Jeanie

Love it!

Sharon:)

Oh that is PRICELESS!! :lol:
DJ

Hmmmm.... making a buck in the medical field. I wonder if that should have been posted in the work/jobs forum? :D

Ed

He he,I love it :)--I need to show it to my cardiologist.

I see you came out DJ.
Good.

Yeah but don't tell anyone. :D I was trying to be sneaky. Caught by a fugitive. How's that for irony. :D
DJ

Actually Fugitive was second. I saw it right after my last post! Looks good. Just the way I pictured you. :)

Ed

Just how you pictured me huh? Hard to say if that's flattering of disappointing Ed. :lol:
DJ

well after I enlarged yourself... thought you did really excellent work for a pretty lady with three fingers... printer feed problem ? :)

:D thats hilarious! thats what I kept thinking when I was having knee problems and I saw my xrays - "darn, I wish I could just clone that thing outta there!!"

- David :)

Ron
You're an angel. Oh I used to have 4 fingers and a thumb but I amputated one in Photoshop. :lol:
DJ

Originally posted by DJ Dubovsky
Just how you pictured me huh? Hard to say if that's flattering of disappointing Ed. :lol:
DJ

Well, let's just say I'd like to order a 20 X 24. :)

Ed

You do know how to charm a girl Ed. :D
DJ

you know humor is good... and this thread started out with a nice example....
bet we all would like to show where our humor lies... so maybe we could just post things that we have run across that struck our humurous side....
not to say dump every dumb cartoon that we ran across... just things that gaves us a giggle.... well ok chuckle for us guys.. whatever is comfortable...
so.... sorry ..... but maybe it's life... maybe it's me and for sure it's out of season.. but this is mine...

A couple of good ol' boys are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

that's so funny. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Ewwwww, Ron!

So, I guess that getting a lump of coal for Christmas just really means that Santa isn't getting enought fiber.... :lmao:

(The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have
gotten numerous calls.....)


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to
play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck,
hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you
get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."




Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane
Society about an eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.....

a maine logger was twitching out some logs one Day when his horse died..
so he drove into town to acquire about another,,
he was directed to A french man's farm.... as he turned up the lane he noticed this handsome horse that looked like one of the clydesdales...
when he found the frenchman he asked if he had a workhorse.. "oui ... just one .. zat one near zee road "...
"well how much is that one " the logger asked
"50 dolar" replied the frenchman
"wow thats pretty cheap " "whats wrong with him" ?
"well he no look so good" replied frenchy

well the logger knew a thing or two about horses and that horse look wonderful to him so he bought it....

next day he hitched the horse to some logs... reached up and slapped it on the butt .. and the horse took off....
boink... right into a tree..
so he straightened it out slapped it again and boink... right into another tree...

so he went back to the french man and said " whats wrong with that horse you sold me?" " he keeps running into trees ? "

replied frency " Oui ! like I say ... he no look so good"

Jak
Ed L had sent me that one in an e-mail recently and at first I was shocked Ed was sending such a racey joke until the last line. I think that is so cute. It just has to be true.
DJ

Nobody told a blonde joke yet, so here goes. The CIA was looking for a woman to work as a hit man (okay, hit woman). Three women applied for the job, and they were told that their husbands were tied to a chair in a locked room. If they were to get the job, they had to go in the room alone with their husband, and kill him. They were given a revolver, and they entered the room, one at a time. The first woman was in there for a short while, when the door opened and she came out. "I just couldn't do it" she said. She was told she was too soft for the job to be hired. The second woman followed, and again after a short while, she came out saying that she couldn't do it either. The blonde was next. She entered the room. From outside the room, loud noises could be heard, then finally nothing. She came out, and said "Somebody put blanks in this gun. I had to beat him to death with the other chair".

Ed

Why was the blonde so happy when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only a week?

The box said 5-7 years. :tongue:
:wavey:

Originally posted by Blacknight
The box said 5-7 years. :tongue:
:wavey: :lol: :lol: :lol: -Jeanie (yes, I'm still reading this thread - these jokes are great. :) )

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six
again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the
park: the Death Slide, the Screaming loop, the Wall of Fear -everything
there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her
head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac
along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs,
popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned
over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress
size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna
get it wrong.

(I was tempted to post this in Ed's "Women!" thread.... :lol: )

cute Jak...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back ?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back ?

A stick. :D

Jeanie

too fast!!! so right

Jak said ""I'd love to be six again". What she meant was that she'd like to be a *size* six again. Women simply do not mean what they say. No further comments from the defense! Case closed!! :D

Ed

Touché Ed...

"Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During
the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now.
You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something
to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss
has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you
idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You
fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so
no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the damned janitor!"

Lookout Doug! :D

Ed

well ... since there isn't a "tasteless humor " forum will post this here... but the guys a cat lover .. what can I say ?

Too funny! :D

Ed

Jak, Ron - Thanks for the good laughs! those made my day! :D

A very attractive woman had a ticket for a train ride to a nice vacation spot. It was to be an overnight ride, and there was a mixup in the reservations. When she boarded the train, she found out that she was to share a sleeper room with a man who she never met, instead of with a woman, which is what she expected. All other sleepers were filled. Relucantly, she agreed to take the top bunk, but insisted on a certain amount of privacy. The fellow who she was to share the room with turned out to be an exceptionally handsome man. That evening, they were both in their respective bunks, ready for a good night's sleep. After being in bed for a short while, she asked the man below if he would hand her a blanket because she was cold. He said "I have a better idea. Why don'lt we just pretend we're married". She didn't hesitate in saying "That's a great idea!". To which he responded "Good, get your own damn blanket!" .

Ed

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a

man standing, holding a 5 iron. in his hands, looking at the lifeless body

of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five, six, seven..... Just put me down for a five."

Ed

An Arizona cowboy on holiday in Mexico stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

About time we had some real adult humor. Thanks Sam.

Good one, Sam! After the night I had, I needed a good laugh and that one did it. Thanks.

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

Not only funny, but true! I'm going out to get drunk. And I haven't had a drink for 23 years! :)

Ed

:)

Guys, these jokes are soooooooo funny:) I feel like an idiot sitting here laughing all by myself, shhhhhh.... don't tell anyone:) My husband works until midnight, your jokes are most appreciated. Ed, I never have a blanket, my husband always has the damn blanket, he'll deny it to the end:D

Wanda

Wanda,

He already told me that it's you who gets all the blanket! :) You're not laughing all by yourself. You're just not sitting next to the rest of us. This has been a good thread.

Ed

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies ... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. The oars are whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that’s impossible!" stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let’s row over to my place." she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can’t take any more coconut juice."

"It’s not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing!" he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know ..."

She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. "You mean ..", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here..?"

Sorry that was so long ... Here's a shorter one (well, slightly!)


Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
20. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

This thread's getting buried! So here's another one.

John lived in Alaska for most of his life. He lived in the city, and had a very good business. But one day he decided to just sell the business, then move out in the wildreness because it's something he always wanted to do. He found a little house on several hundred acres. It had been six months since he even saw another human being except for the times when he had to make a trip to town for supplies. One day in mid December, there was a knock on the door. When he opened the door, there stood another man who said "Hi. I'm George, your nearest neighbor. I live about 10 miles down the road, and I'm going to have a Christmas party this coming Saturday night. Would you like to come? "Sure thing!" said John. George warned him that there would be some drinking going on. John said that was okay by him. He was ready for a party. George said there might even be some fighting. John replied that he got along well with just about anybody, and he wasn't worried about it. George said "Well, there's going to be sex for sure". John said "Bring it on!. I haven't even seen anyone for six months. I'm definitely ready!". George said okay it was settled then, and told him to be at his place about 8 o'clock. John said "Do you want me to bring something?" George said "That's up to you. It's just gonna be you and me!"

Ed

It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria". They were singing it
beautifully.
Oddly,each one of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping
it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonder to the performance
and then approched the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said.
This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard. "Yes,I very proud of
them,"said the conductor."You should take them on tour," said the
visitor,"what are they
called?" "Surly that's obvious," replied the condutor...."They're the
"Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir."

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
New York.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Sorry, I couldn't help myself
:)

Hey Paul! Welcome to the site. I see you've found one of the most important threads already. :D Thanks for the early morning chuckle. Just what I needed to start the day.

Ed

Oh my!! Jak that joke is now doing the rounds all over Cheltenham, that truly is one of the funniest I have heard in a while - simple yet great.

:)

Paul, I'm still laughing:lmao: Too funny, thanks, I needed a good
laugh. Of course my husband thought it was funny too, then I had to act like it wasn't:D

Ed, don't believe everything my husband says.:D

Wanda

A Great New Excercise Program

For a really great fitness routine, try the following.

For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I
thought I might let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen, three days a week or so.

I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could.

After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally 100-lb. potato sacks.

Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

:lol: Now that's an exercise program even I can follow. Oh that is too funny Al.
DJ

175 years ago, two nude statues were erected in Central Park. The man was on one side of a walkway, while the woman was on the other. One day an angel came down and said "God told me you two have been standing here for 175 years just looking at each other. He told me to give you 20 minutes of animation, and to let you do anything you would like for the 20 minutes. Now go!" The angel sat on a bench while the two now animated statues ran behind some bushes. He could hear them giggling, and just having a good time. There was no doubt in his mind what was going on. After 10 minutes they came out. The angel said "You've got 10 more minutes if you want to do it again". They smiled at each other, then ran behind the bushes once again. This time the angel heard the female say "Okay, it's your turn to hold the piegon, and I'll crap on his head!"

Ed

Good one Ed, how bad do you think we can get before we get shut down ??:D


An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.
The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Could I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line" the woman replied.


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

One of these days I'll have to do some Photoshopping!!

:D

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally,
his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would
you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

you guys crack me up. can't stop laughing here. :lmao: :lmao:

Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the city.

The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts."

There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath".

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k.,but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them "dropped" in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Wife: We've got three flies in the house.

Husband: Not any more. I just killed them. One female and two males.

Wife: How in the world can you tell that?

Husband: Easy, two were on a beer can and the other one was on the phone.

Jane just got out of the shower, and her husband, Jack, just got in the shower. Jane was still drying off when the doorbell rang. Since Jack was already in the shower, Jane wrapped the towel around her to answer the door. It was their neighbor, Phil.

Phil: Is Jack around?

Jane: He's in the shower.

Phil: Tell you what -- I'll give you $500.00 if you'll drop that towel!

Jane: Yeah, right.

Phil: (reaching in his billfold, retreiving $500.00) Here it is. I'lll give it to you if you drop it.

Jane: Are you serious?

Phil: Yep. Just drop it for one full minute.

Jane drops the towel, Phil gets an eyefull, hands her $500.00, then leaves with a smile on his face.

Jack: Who was at the door?

Jane: Just Phil.

Jack: Oh good. He told me he was going to bring that $500.00 he owed me!

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Al,
That's so funny unfortunately it's not a joke. :D Guess, we'll have to start investing in consumables. :D

Ed,
Now as I see it, Phil still owes the original $500 he borrowed. Could be a tough case to win in court though. :D That was cute.
DJ

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

FOUR SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE:
Note: Edited to be gender neutral. :)

1. It is important to find someone who likes to do cooking and cleaning.

2. It is important to find someone that makes good money.

3. It is important to find someone that likes to have sex -- with you.

4. It is important that these three people never meet!







------------------

I lucked out and found one person who meets all of the above qualifications + has a great sense of humor.

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

This isn't a joke, but a true happening. When we first bought the house (11 years ago) we're in now, we had an elderly couple living across the street from us. They were both in their late 80's, and I helped them around the house whenever I could. One day I was talking to Jack, and I asked him how he was doing. "I don't feel very good today" he said. He continued talking, and he told me about the time when he spent a short while in a nursing home to recover from a surgery. He was now 91 years old. He told me that it wasn't only old people in nursing homes. Sometimes there are young people who have to be there too. He told me about a young woman who was blind, and had other physical problems, and she was in the nursing home he was in. He told me he felt really bad for her because she was "nothing but a kid. Couldn't have been a day over 65!"

Ed

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don' t like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."


"Lost at Sea"

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Just so you all know, I'm a happily married (13yrs) American/Irishman:tongue:

Thought this one was cute.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself
stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the
size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely
deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If
your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could
deal with that

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat.

Yup... I wanna be a bear.

Yeah, DJ!!!!!

Ok, all together now...

I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!

(no guys, that's bear, not beer...)

:tongue:

This is a cute manipulation circulating in e-mail if you haven't seen it yet...

OOOOOH that is really realistic. Could you imagine what would be going through the mind of that guy on the ladder? I would be loosing all bodily controls for sure. Yikes!
DJ

Jesse and Frank James were robbing a train. When they got near the back of the car, there sat John with his gorgeous wife by his side. Jesse told John he'd relieve him of his cash and his watch. And after that, he was going to kiss his wife. John said "You can have my cash and watch, but you're not going to kiss my wife". To which his wife replied, "You let Jesse rob this train"!

Ed

V. subtle Ed I had to read it 3x to get the punchline :D

ETERNAL TRUTHS
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.
8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

My Aunt Bebo sent me this today (we were both born in Kentucky).


1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess".

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder".

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

5.) Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road"
can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference
between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb,
or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't
do "queues", we do "lines"; and when we're "in line", we talk to
everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast
food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart" and go your own way

Those are great Jak! ...and all so true! Thanks for the chuckle on a dreary day. :)

:D Very good Jak. But you forgot about the "movin' picture show".

Ed

Well lookie here who was the first one to appreciate that one. I declare...!

It was actually you I was thinkin' of when I put it up there, Greg. :D

OMG - I forgot about the movin' picture show...

Too funny, Ed! :lol:

Originally posted by Jakaleena

It was actually you I was thinkin' of when I put it up there, Greg. :D

Well bless your heart!!

this ia an oldie but a goodie.

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of cuss words that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

So, the owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him: he's afraid to cough!"

1: A guy goes running into a busy doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, ya gotta help me! I'm shrinking!". The doctor looks up sternly and says "I'm sorry sir, you'll just have to be a little patient."

2: A guy with two hotdogs stuffed in his ears, mashed potatoes crammed up his nose, and gravy dripping off his scalp goes running into a doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?!!!!!!". The doctor looks up and says "Well obviously sir, you're not eating right."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and yells "I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee!"

The psychiatrist says "You're obviously two tents".

I saw this the other day and thought I would share.......Enjoy


WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS
................................................................
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."
..............................................................
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
.................................................................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother
to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run
over Joe's Mom, too."
...................................................................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
.....................................................................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
......................................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
............................................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle."
....................................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
.....................................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
......................................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
....................................................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt."
......................................................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
......................................................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
.....................................................................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

__________________

Two of the above reminded me of another one.

A guy with a strip of bacon hanging from each ear, and a fried egg on his head, walks into the office of a psychiatrist, and says "Doc, I gotta talk to you about my brother".

I just saw this:


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out, there stood a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked geek. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the
first.

I then said, "How about a donut, tubby?"

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. But of course, I didn't care one way or the other. My
car was parked around the corner.


I can think of people that i would like to do that to!!!!!!
Mike

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the
similar one in back."


4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."


5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -
but none of them really that serious."


6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again."


7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact
you can see it all over their faces."


8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."


9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field."


10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Answer Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute.

"Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Please stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up - all our operators are too busy to talk to you."

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."


State Mottoes ...


Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat


Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen On TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't BoTher

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier And With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids


Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave your Money)

Idaho:
Potatoes And Neonazis - What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce The "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
Where Science Don't Mean Sh** (no doubt a reference to recent decision to not allow evolution to be taught in schools!)

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,That's Just Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come - Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores And Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney.

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-jawed Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men And Sheep Are Nervous

Found this on a newsgroup posting just now. The poster said it an oldie, but I hadn't seen it before - I nearly fell off my chair laffin'...

I am the very model of a Usenet personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm plain and simple, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for all my plain simplicity.

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices
murmuring.

He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle
and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling
before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and
asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?

:blank:

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team
got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"



---

Here is a Link for you all… I got a chuckle out of it.

TUGBOAT (http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm)

[BigAl: this is not really a joke, it could prolly fit on a number of recent software and hardware threads:)]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second line, and 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan.


The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist

*****

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

*****

Program aborting.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

*****

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

*****

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

*****

Your file was too big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

*****

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

*****

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

*****

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

*****

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

*****

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

*****

Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.

*****

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

*****

I know some who wish this was the way it was:

"You have the right to swing first, if you do excercise your right to swing first, you have the right to a Doctor, Priest or Rabbi present during the time you are swinging first. If you cannot afford a Doctor, one will be appointed for you during the retailiation part of this exercise. You have the right to stop swinging at any time. If you do stop swinging, and there is no wittness present, I may decide to keep on acting in self defence purely for my protection. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you? Do you wish to swing first or shall I?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

A sheepdog walks into the telegraph office, fills out a sending form, and hands it to the operator.

It says "Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof."

The operator says "You know there's a minimum, so adding one more woof won't cost you anything extra".

The sheepdog says "But that wouldn't make any sense at all."

Received this under the derogatory heading "blonde mathematics".

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the
FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was
in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf`s nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa`s weight and balance calculations for sled`s enormous
payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa`s surprise, a shotgun.

"What`s that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I`m not supposed to tell you this, but
you`re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

You guys have had me laughing so long I though I'd add one of my own:

A fancy dress party was being held by the local church.
The usual Tarts and Vicars attended as well as a good smattering of Pirates, cavemen and other such costumes.
In walks a middle aged man dressed in green suit with a naked woman on his back. A few eyebrows were raised as the man casually walked around, talking to people with this naked woman clinging to his back.

Eventually the Vicar who organised the party approached the man and asked what his costume was.

'I've come as a Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtle' explained the man, with the woman still clinging to his back.

'Oh really' said the Vicar 'and, who may i ask is this lady on your back'

'Oh, her?' replied the man............

'She's Michelle'

A man is driving along a highway and sees a hare jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the hare jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the hare. Much to his dismay, the hare is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man about his problem. "I feel terrible," he explains "I accidentally hit this hare and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the hare.

! The hare jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten metres away the hare stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten metres, turns and waves, hops another ten metres, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He naturally asks the woman, "What's in that can? What did you spray on that hare?"

The blonde woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.



It says........................................





(Are you ready for this?)





(You know you're going to be sorry.)




It says, "Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

I'll get my coat :cool:

Had a funny thing happen a few months ago . I stopped at a convenience store to get a soda. It was a hot day. I went inside and asked the lady waiting in line if the car outside with the boy in the backseat was hers. She replied, “Yes. Why? What’s wrong?” I said to her, “He’s trying to pee and I’m afraid he doesn’t have the window down quite enough.” She screamed and ran out the door. As I was finishing my purchase, she was in line trying to purchase a roll of paper towels.

P.S. New Car

Have you put up your tree yet?

For the girls................

Women's T-Shirt Slogans ...

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

And your point is...?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

I'm out of oestrogen, and I have a gun.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.



For the guys...........

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."


For Canadians...........

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.

"How are you three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

When they board the train, the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"



For everyone..............

A busy mother was trying to pack for vacation. Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this!" and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, the mom reached out and stuck her daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a totally devastated look on her face.

She said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

The little girl said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

Sláinte :tongue:

I just heard this:

A shopper walks to the pet shop register and asks the employee, "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me why that parrot costs $5,000 dollars?"

The employee says, "Oh that parrot is extremely special, it's one of a kind, not only is it beautiful but it is bilingual."

The man gives the employee a strange look and says, "No way, there's no animal that could ever learn how to speak two languages!"

The employee smiles and says, "Follow me I'll prove it."
"Now go ahead pull on his right leg." The man pulls on the parrots right leg.

The parrot says, "Hello how are you?".
The man smiles and says, "Wow, cool, that's amazing!"
The employee then says, "Go ahead pull on the left leg."
So the man pulls on the parrots left leg.
The parrot says, "Hola como estas?"
The man was so excited and overwhelmed and he says, "wow that is the coolest thing I've ever seen, please you've got to tell me what happens if I pull both of his legs?"

The parrot turns and looks at the man and says, "Pues, I fall down pendejo!"


Tony

God:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.

St. Francis:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God:
Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

St. Francis:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut
it....sometimes two times a week.

God:
They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis:
Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis:
No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God:
Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis:
Yes, sir.

God:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis:
You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God:
What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say do myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis:
You'd better sit down Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God:
No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis:
After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God:
And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis:
They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

God:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine:
"Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....

God:
Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

A West Virginia state trooper was parked behind a billboard waiting to give someone a ticket. Within a few moments, an old pick-up truck drove by, traveling at an extremely fast rate. The cop turned on his siren and proceeded to pull over the truck. When he approached the truck, the driver, Billy Bob, rolled down his window. In a firm voice the trooper asked “got any ID”? To which Billy Bob replied “bout what?”

Luke and Vader are in the middle of a furious lightsabre duel, the outcome of which will decide the fate of the galaxy. The fight has raged backwards and forwards for several minutes, but at last it appears that Luke has the upper hand. Another few strokes and he has Vader pinned up against a wall.
Suddenly, Vader rasps, "I know what you're getting for Christmas."
"No!" screams Luke. "That's not true! That's impossible!"
Vader takes advantage of Luke's momentary distraction to bat his lightsabre aside and launch a new attack. Luke ends up on the defensive for a while, but eventually he regains his composure and, as is the way of such things, good begins to prevail again. Before long he has beaten Vader to the floor.
"I know what you're getting for Christmas," says Vader again. But Luke isn't going to be taken in by the same trick twice, and Vader gets no opportunity to try another comeback.
"How?" Luke demands instead. "How could you possibly know that?"
And Vader says, "I felt your presents."

Luke and Obi Wan are sat in a Chinese restaurant.

They both order Chicken Chow-Mein. When the meal arrives, Obi-Wan picks up and uses the provided chopsticks like the "seasoned" professional that he is.

Luke collects his chop-sticks, fumbles with them for a few minutes and finally picks up some chow-mein. He's just moving it towards his mouth when he slips and drops it down his front, obviously making a nasty mess on his tunic. Obi Wan hangs his head, tuts and sends Luke to clean up.

He goes to the bathroom and cleans himself up, returns to his table, and determined not to be beaten by two pieces of wood, tries again. Again, he fumbles with the chop sticks for two or three minutes and then collects some chow-mein.

Predictably, he once again throws the chow-mein down his front. Obi-Wan tuts, hangs his head and breathes deeply for a couple of seconds.

"Master," says Luke, "how do you eat with these things?"

"Luke my young Padowan, one day you will learn the secret of the chopstick. For the moment, "

He pauses for effect, possibly longer than necessary.

Taking a deep breath he says

"Use the forks, Luke".

I go to school online in the evenings, and have been knocking myself out over Algebra for the past five weeks. My poor kid has put up with a lot of complaining from me, and also a lot of his own complaining because I've been on the computer and doing homework soooo much.

So last Thursday was the last day of class, and I had a big final exam due. It was very tough, very involved, and very difficult. I'd been working on it for three hours off an on, and was getting very close to being done. I was sitting in the office, troubling over a problem when my five year old son came in to "check on me".

He was flipping through my text book, looking at all of the pictures of graphs and charts. Every now and then, there would be a picture of a forest or a lake or a person or something. He flipped one page open to find a large picture of Norman Bates' mother from "Psycho" glaring at him in horrible glory. He blanched and dropped the page.

"See, Momma." he said in total seriousness. "Algebra will kill you."

:D

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. "But how 'bout my friend?"

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

The California condor, a large bird, was on the brink of extinction, but has recently shown some success of being restored to better days.
Billy Joe Bob took a hike up into the mountains, where he spotted a California condor very close by. Billy Joe Bob raised his gun, and shot the magnificent bird, killing it. He proceeded to cut the head and wings off before putting the remainder on an open fire to cook. He took a few bites, when, as luck would have it, the man with the badge just happened by. Billy Joe Bob was immediately arrested, and taken to town.
At his court hearing, the judge asked him why he would shoot a bird that was on the endangered species list. Billy Joe Bob told the judge that he was lost in the mountains, and hadn't had anything to eat for four days. After listening to his story, the judge said that even though he was technically guilty as charged, he understood the reasons why he would do something like that, and the finding was "not guilty".
As Billy Joe Bob started to leave the courtroom, the judge called mister Bob back. In a rather loud whisper, he said "I've always wondered what a California condor would taste like. How was it?" Billy Joe Bob replied "Well, it was kind of like a cross between a bald eagle and a whooping crane."

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above ground level. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north, 59 and 60 degrees west"
" You must be an engineer" said the balloonist". "I am," said the woman, "how did you know that?"
"Well", answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be in management". "I am," he replied "but how did you know that?".

"Well", said the woman" you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

HERE'S A THOUGHT PROVOKING TALE !!!!!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that drivel .... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked THE S**T out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the s**t out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you. :)

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mom, look what I found", the boy called out.
" What have you got there, dear?" said his mother.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Now, Now, play nice!!

Margaret

ps. It's been my experience that credit cards wear out WAAAYYYY before I do :D

Unlike a woman, credit cards have limits. :D

Ed

There are two theories to arguing with women.


Neither one works.
-- anonymous

:tongue: Chuck

"If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?"

serious computer problems?:)

One day, while in New York, the pope decided that he wanted to drive, so he swapped places with his driver. He was a pretty good driver, but being unfamiliar with New York, ended up going the wrong way down a one way street, and was promptly pulled over.
A rookie cop that pulled him over was so flustered by who he pulled over, he called into the stationhouse.
"Sarge", he said, "I just pulled over somebody really, really important! What should I do?"
"Slow down a minute", said the Desk Seargent,"Is he more important than the mayor?"
"Definitely."
"Is he more important than the governer?"
"Certainly."
"You didn't pull over the president, did you?", he asked.
"Worse." replied the rookie.
"Who could be more important than the president?" asked the Desk Seargent, aghast.
"I don't know for sure," the rookie replied,"but his driver is the Pope!"

:lmao:

Sandra -- keep 'em coming!

You know you are living in the year 2003 when:


1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

4. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

5. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

6. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

7. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

8. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

9. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

Police Officer

A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good", replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."

How To Bathe The Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside the bowl, the cat is really enjoying this.)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors where he will air dry.

Sincerely, The Dog

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm paws held tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour =BD pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

well.. hmm.. I had that pill one deep in the archives of my harddrive and just discovered it was posted not long ago on another thread. Oh well.. I can't keep track of everything. Sorry for the redundant post ::tongue:

:D OLD CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
_____________
Hi, This is my first day and I cannot tell you how many times I have been lost on this site - so decided to just relax and enjoy your humor - Hope this ends up in the right place! Jean

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother.

Soon, 10 minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Another 20 minutes later, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" They demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"Because, "she told them, "I forgot where I put it."

:D

Subject: bad day?


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to in- vestigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
----------------------------------------------
Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
----------------------------------------------
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

----------------------------------------------
YOURS IS STILL A BAD DAY, HUH ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
----------------------------------------------
WHAT ? STILL THINK YOUR DAY IS BAD?
Terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
----------------------------------------------
THERE NOW, FEELING BETTER ?

:)

Someody just posted a link to this on the Mandrake newsgroup, I seriously doubt it's real (I'd be kinda worried if sombody out there was really THAT oblivious!), but I found it pretty funny anyway.. here (http://www.chasten.org/hacker.htm)'s the link.

a couple quotes from it:


Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider.

If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is