Looks excellent to me! We had a Challenge photo a few years ago -- idea was to make it look like an old time-damaged photo that would need retouching or restoration -- I think most of us agreed that it was more difficult than we had imagined to make it look genuinely aged/damaged.
I had to re-read your post to make sure I understood it correctly because the "After" photo looks so much like our typical "Before" photos that need our help -- good job!