Bad Movie Tip-offs

Doug Nelson · #1 05-01-2002, 10:21 PM

I'll admit it, I'm a movie snob. I can tell a bad movie without even watching it. A few of my favorite tip-offs that a movie is going to be bad are:

1. Stars a model, a wrestler, or anyone playing themself
2. Plot is "a young <blank> must stop a <blank> from destroying <blank>"
3. "Based on a true story"
4. Anything with chyron titles (hey, you're a visual group, you should know these things)
5. Anything released more than a year after completion (esoteric, but the most serious one of this bunch)

So, what are the tip-offs that tell you it's going to be a bad movie?

OhThatGirl2001 · #2 05-01-2002, 11:11 PM

Signs you've chosen a bad movie...

It seems like a remake of a big hit film from the year before.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in it --- and it's a comedy.

It stars Moe, Larry, and Curly Joe.

It has a narrator who tells you exactly what you can see with your own eyes.

It's a Quentin Tarantino movie --- and he's the star not the director.

It's set in a strip club, it's got strippers in it, but none of the women get naked.

It's a Dan Aykroyd movie that he not only stars in but also wrote and directed.

It's a shot by shot remake of a classic.

It's a buddy cop movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur.

There's a famous landmark building that blows up. This is generally the highlight of the trailer.

It has talking animals in it and doesn't have the word "Babe" in the title.

It's a big budget update of a bad 70's TV show.

It's based on a Saturday Night Live skit.

It's an American version of a French film.

It has more than three people credited with writing the screenplay.

It's a live action Disney film.

Every action sequence is in slow motion.

It's a high school film that ends at a prom and nobody dies.

Doug Nelson · #3 05-01-2002, 11:44 PM

Excellent

Whoopi made a dinosaur pic?

d_kendal · #4 05-02-2002, 12:01 AM

those are great Lisa! and sooo true.

Quote:

So, what are the tip-offs that tell you it's going to be a bad movie?

the title is "Dude, where's my car?" I swear that had to be the WORST movie ever made.

- David

OhThatGirl2001 · #5 05-02-2002, 12:07 AM

Afraid so... Whoopi after receiving an Oscar for The Color Purple... made a movie called Theodore Rex! It was horrible. I suspect on 1 or 2 people even remember it! LOL

G. Couch · #6 05-02-2002, 12:19 AM

This thread is cracking me up! ok, here goes...

A movie is bad if....

It's based on a video game

It involves young Pop music singers "making their big screen debut".

It's advertised as "The feel good hit of the year".

The words "Star Trek" are followed by a large roman numeral.

it was direct to video

the name Tom Green appears anywhere

Doug Nelson · #7 05-02-2002, 01:34 AM

These are great. You've inspired me to add some more:

Title has a colon or exclamation mark in it

The star is also "executive producer"

More than 6 producers or 4 writers

Directed by and starring the same guy, and its his first movie

Plot synopsis has one too many points (ie: a tour boat is stranded on a desert island and they're attacked by terrorists)

Theatrical release in January

Anyone involved in the production has either been, or been married to, a playmate, porn actor, or rock star

The plot involves a fatal disease that has no symptoms

The previews quote rural newspaper reviews

G. Couch · #8 05-02-2002, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Doug Nelson

The previews quote rural newspaper reviews

hahahaha...that is so true!

winwintoo · #9 05-02-2002, 11:05 AM

I don't remember the name of the movie, but shortly after the opening credits, my husband told me he was going to get a drink. He got up to leave and I said I'd go with him.

As we moved down the aisle, the folks in we were about to trip over also stood and I guess while they were up they also decided to got for drinks. Without saying a word, the whole row got up and left the theatre. I didn't look back, but I'm willing to bet the rest of the theatre followed soon after LOL

Another stinker movie I remember was "Raising Arizona" - I now shy away from any movie where the actors talk real slow (anything with Nicolas Cage) or are overly animated (anything with Jim Carey)

Also, any movie that Gene Shallet likes is bound to be a stinker!

Margaret

DJ Dubovsky · #10 05-02-2002, 02:16 PM

Here's a couple more...

Any movie that spews more blood than the human body actually contains

Any movie where the villian doesn't die no matter how many times they kill him

DJ

ItzRandy · #11 05-03-2002, 02:05 AM

You know it going to be bad when:

** In the first gunfght, the hero fires 10 rounds out of his revolver without ever having to reload!

** In the first car chase, the tires still squeal when they are off the road in the dirt!

** The engine sounds of the compact car are those of a souped up V-8!

** The vampire wears a cape and this isn't a tip off to anyone around him!

** The actors show up at the woodsy cabin and the first thing the camera sees is the ax hanging on the wall!

** A hockey goalie's mask is in the picture and it isn't a picture about sports!

fugitive · #12 05-17-2002, 03:22 AM

I'm a movei buff but I couldn't put together a list like Lisa's. I have a satellite and lotsa movie channels. I can judge a films quality in about 4 seconds, when I see big breasted women and can see them act.
That unfunny guy from SNL is in it, in fact most any SNL actor. Superstar?
Stars Clint Eastwood and James Garner.
Anything starring Stallone.
Anything with the Olsen Twins(would love to throttle em'
Films with special effects that look like a HS production.
TV movies about kids or women in danger.
TV. Tv charachter actors that think they can support a whole show themselves. Seinfeld cast.
Any Spanish/French horror films.
Black detective movies from the '70s
Love storys about couples you wouldn't wanna see naked.
Well folks, that's all for now.
greg

Doug Nelson · #13 08-04-2004, 05:13 PM

Count the number of things wrong with this (genuine) movie plot:

Two terrorists sneak onto a plane to smuggle themselves into America, which turns out to be carrying a cargo of mutant scorpions that were invented by a beautiful scientist who falls in love with the lonely widower pilot.

This was on latenight cable last night (no, I didn't watch it).

Janet Petty · #14 08-04-2004, 07:59 PM

You have to be kidding. Right? That sounds like some of the nutty stuff I used to watch to stay awake many years ago when I was young and earned my pocket money babysitting.

JustChecking · #15 08-05-2004, 01:50 AM

bwahaha! this is a great thread!!!

i love those "It seems like a remake of a big hit film from the year before.", "It's an American version of a French film.", and "The plot involves a fatal disease that has no symptoms"...

though, "Girl, Interrupted" is "Based on a true story" (book to be exact :P ), and "The star is also "executive producer"", but i still think it's a pretty good movie