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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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  #21  
Old 02-16-2007, 03:39 PM
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Gary Richardson Gary Richardson is offline
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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Gary -- is that you in the hat?
No, he's got too much hair, and he's far too patient (I shout and curse a lot). I do however like the hat, do you know where I can get one?

I also note that the perceptiveness of clients and their questions hasn't altered much over the years .
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  #22  
Old 02-16-2007, 03:48 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

Where do you find these? This one is precious. Thanks for sharing.

Janet

P.S. You realize I DO know where you find these, that I said this with tongue in cheek, don't you? hehehe
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  #23  
Old 02-16-2007, 05:54 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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Originally Posted by Janet Petty
Where do you find these? This one is precious. Thanks for sharing....Janet
Janet, I'm not the one who finds them usually -- one of my friends emails me some and Cuteoverload.com gets some -- I am simply a "grateful receptacle" who wants the fun of sharing with other friendly folks!
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  #24  
Old 04-14-2007, 10:54 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

6th Grade Misspelling

[The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
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  #25  
Old 04-15-2007, 03:34 AM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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  #26  
Old 06-01-2007, 10:47 AM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

Got this in my mail.

"One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband & told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold
until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap & folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved & pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, & twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday !"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "


Last edited by CJ Swartz; 06-01-2007 at 12:30 PM. Reason: re-formatted only
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  #27  
Old 06-01-2007, 12:36 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

Ohhhh, how I hope this is one of those "urban legends" because it would be SO embarrassing if it truly happened to some lady....especially me!
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  #28  
Old 06-02-2007, 03:49 AM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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Originally Posted by CJ Swartz View Post
Ohhhh, how I hope this is one of those "urban legends" because it would be SO embarrassing if it truly happened to some lady....especially me!
You mean you eat beans CJ ?
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  #29  
Old 06-02-2007, 08:55 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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Originally Posted by Gary Richardson View Post
You mean you eat beans CJ ?

No, Gary -- I do NOT eat beans, and I never wear blindfolds!
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  #30  
Old 06-03-2007, 03:32 AM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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Originally Posted by CJ Swartz View Post
No, Gary -- I do NOT eat beans, and I never wear blindfolds!
Come on, you do really! Go on, tell me the truth, you know I won't tell anyone.
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