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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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  #41  
Old 11-06-2007, 02:48 AM
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Gary Richardson Gary Richardson is offline
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

Nice one Mike.

I can read Arabic numbers, but that's about as far as I go (learnt them from the mileposts at the side of the Suez Canal, the canal guidebook has Arabic/English translations).
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  #42  
Old 01-16-2008, 08:17 PM
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denschneider denschneider is offline
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

i'm sure that this applys for other places but for any one that has ever driven in Ontario Canada on the 400 series hiways especially in Toronto this is so true .


Anyone who does any driving will appreciate this....


The Real Ontario Driver's Handbook

For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto, the 2008 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
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  #43  
Old 01-20-2008, 03:11 PM
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Peter S Peter S is offline
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

On the first day, God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as


a public service




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  #44  
Old 01-21-2008, 02:47 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peter S View Post
...Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
Peter, I know you say no thanks are necessary, but I feel the need to thank you -- it's one of my "monkey tricks".

This forum software is limited in its emoticons, so I'll use what they have to create what I need: + = older woman
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  #45  
Old 02-15-2008, 05:40 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...rce=EMTF_Onion

MAPLEWOOD, MO—Ongoing turmoil in the troubled kitchen-floor region of the Branson household reached a boiling point Tuesday, as relations between rival house cats Boswell and Johnson erupted into fresh violence. Observers said the arrival of a new brown paper-bag in the area ignited long-standing tensions and set off another round of territorial conflict between the two factions in the most serious aggression since the devastating stove-side siege of 2005.


The afternoon was marred by sporadic fighting, according to reports, with opposing forces darting and then retreating in surprise attacks. Boswell held his position despite relentless onslaughts from Johnson, who repeatedly batted the controversial bag along the ancient linoleum surface. By the end of the day, neither side displayed any intention to halt reprisals without the other first relinquishing claims and pulling out permanently—an outcome those close to the fighting called "unlikely at best."

"What people unfamilar with the history here must understand is that this seemingly empty and barren paper bag has rapidly become the third most important site in the area after the scratching post in the living room and the breakfast-nook windowsill," former CIA analyst Brian Haddox said. "Not only is it seen by both Boswellist and Johnsonian interests as a crucial location for establishing territorial control in the kitchen-floor region, but it also makes a crumpling sound that both sides find irresistible."

Added Haddox, "Unfortunately, hostilities have destabilized this already tenuous peace at least until nap time."

The bag, a brown paper grocery bag from Stop & Shop with no prior claims of cat ownership attached to it, became the center of a wide-scale power play when Boswell seized control of its highly contested interior, and occupied the disputed area for approximately 30 seconds. Following immediate Johnsonian reprisals, Boswell unleashed a barrage of swats, but failed to secure a position in the bag.


Reports from the ground indicated that Johnson, once in possession of the perimeter region up to the cat dish, was forced in the early afternoon to retreat to the green rug zone, where he licked his paws with apparent disinterest for an estimated 10 minutes. Without warning, Johnson then launched a full-frontal assault on Boswell's forces, pouncing from behind and eventually chasing his rival all the way to the bathroom sink. The heavy leaping and grappling was broken only by periods of intense mutual licking. At one point, the conflict escalated into full-fledged upside-down kicking of each other in the face before Boswell was distracted by an errant ball rolling across the floor, bringing the factions to an uneasy standstill.

Despite the intensity of the fighting, no serious injuries were reported.

"People in the middle of this have tried everything they can to quell the violence, including bringing in a second bag, but nothing has worked," said U.N. investigator Caroline Olivera, adding that many residents were furious at the combatants for knocking over and destroying a prized vase in November. "It is beginning to appear that any long-term solution may have to involve deployment of the disciplinary squirt bottle."

According to International Red Cross worker Etienne Zervudacki, there was a temporary lull in the violence when both factions shifted their attention to a nearby can of tuna, craning their necks and licking their lips in apparent unity before eventually returning to the battle. While the short-lived truce was hopeful, Zervudacki said, it was a fragile pact that ignored the true causes of dilemma.

"The biggest shame here is that these two sides are so entrenched in their differences that they don't realize they are brothers," said Zervudacki, noting that even though both parties were reportedly curled up together on the sofa at press time, violence would likely break out again tomorrow. "If it's not the paper bag, it will be something else, like aluminum foil, toy mice, or plastic rings from two-gallon milk jugs."
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  #46  
Old 02-17-2008, 03:39 AM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

Quote:
Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag



Summerz -- that is a great find! So well written.
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  #47  
Old 02-17-2008, 03:58 AM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

That's a great piece Summerz. I have similar wars here but not between two cats, just One hubby, One cat and a empty chair, they always seem to want the same one, and i am rather ashamed to say the cat usually wins ( except when it impedes watching football ) well she does have claws and teeth ! ! ! ! !

Palms
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  #48  
Old 02-17-2008, 03:32 PM
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Cool Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

^^ Glad you liked it.
Amazing how the little critters usually get their way lol.
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  #49  
Old 02-21-2008, 03:11 PM
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Newbie Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

Tea Party
> >
One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my
brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
toilet?"
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  #50  
Old 02-21-2008, 03:15 PM
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Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here

Quote:
Originally Posted by summerz View Post
Tea Party ...


That was such a sweet story, even with the funny ending!
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