1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the
similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -
but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact
you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Answer Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute.
"Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Please stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up - all our operators are too busy to talk to you."
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."
State Mottoes ...
Yes, We Have Electricity
But It's a Dry Heat
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
As Seen On TV
If You Don't Ski, Don't BoTher
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier And With Less Character
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave your Money)
Potatoes And Neonazis - What More Could You Ask For?
Please Don't Pronounce The "S"
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Where Science Don't Mean Sh** (no doubt a reference to recent decision to not allow evolution to be taught in schools!)
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,That's Just Our Tourism Campaign
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Come - Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Land Of The Big Sky, Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Whores And Poker!
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney.
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
We Really Are One of The 50 States!
At Least We're Not Michigan
Like The Play, Only No Singing
Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner
Cook With Coal
We're Not REALLY An Island
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
Closer Than North Dakota
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-jawed Yokels Don't Mix?
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Wanna Be Mayor?
One Big Happy Family - Really!
Come Cut Our Cheese
Where Men Are Men And Sheep Are Nervous
Found this on a newsgroup posting just now. The poster said it an oldie, but I hadn't seen it before - I nearly fell off my chair laffin'...
I am the very model of a Usenet personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.
I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm plain and simple, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.
If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?
But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for all my plain simplicity.
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle
and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling
before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and
asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team
got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
[BigAl: this is not really a joke, it could prolly fit on a number of recent software and hardware threads]
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second line, and 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan.
The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was too big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
I know some who wish this was the way it was:
"You have the right to swing first, if you do excercise your right to swing first, you have the right to a Doctor, Priest or Rabbi present during the time you are swinging first. If you cannot afford a Doctor, one will be appointed for you during the retailiation part of this exercise. You have the right to stop swinging at any time. If you do stop swinging, and there is no wittness present, I may decide to keep on acting in self defence purely for my protection. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you? Do you wish to swing first or shall I?
OLD is .....
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
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|Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II||Doug Nelson||Salon||85||01-30-2012 02:02 PM|