[ravenmd]

Visual Eyes... personally I thought it was a welcome bit of levity.


Jeanmilden1:

Good.. you pointed out to the rest of us this is not the place for political commentary... now that you slid YOUR opinion in.

Originally posted by Jeanmilden1
Visual Eyes, Wars are ugly - war liberated slavery, war ended Hitler, etc. - This forum is not the place to discuss war . We have the freedom to go to other websites that encourage these discussions - thank God we have this freedom.

[CJ Swartz]

We generally don't respond to the jokes/interesting stories in this thread; we leave it as a long list of things that different people find humorous.

It might be best to continue that practice rather than adding positive or negative comments after the post -- it just interferes with the flow. I PM'ed VisualEyes to let him know my opinion of the piece.

[VisualEyes]

First, let me state LOUDLY that I'm sorry if my last post offended anyone, it certainly wasn't meant to. I thought I was passing along a bit of political humor in a "social area, where non-retouching talk is encouraged". Apparently I exercised poor judgement.

Yes, war is ugly - I don't recall saying anything to the contrary. Obviously, war is also controversial, incendiary, and a very touchy subject. Opinions/thoughts of any sway are apparently best kept silent if one doesn't wish to get flamed.

At the risk of further offense though, I have to say that I'm really confused about the rules about what's OK and what's not-OK humor-wise around here. In this thread alone these are apparently OK and funny:

Politics:

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Religion:

"But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe."

Gender bashing:

"Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!"

Terrorism:

"Terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits."

My post on the other hand rates a "Not funny". I can live with that. Humor is a personal guage. Just please be fair with how you measure it.

Thanks for your attention and hospitality.

[CJ Swartz]

Different strokes for different folks -- I thought it was great, VisualEyes!


Now, back to plain old uncontroversial humor:

____________
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
____________

P.S. I can say that -- I'm a graduate.

[Sanda]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office pondering the progress of the war
when his telephone rang.
"Hello, Mr. Hussein!", a voice said, with a heavy brogue. "This is Paddy O'Toole down at the Harp Pub in County Mayo, Ireland. I'm ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moments calculation, "there's meself, me brother Sean, me next door neighbor Liam, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused, "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Sweet Jaysus!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We've managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and a Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on!" We've managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's Piper Cub with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four of the lads from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And, since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two million!

"Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to call you back."


Sure enough, Paddy called the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I'm sorry to tell you that we've had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "Meself and the lads had a long chat over a couple of pints, and we've decided there's no way in the divil we can afford to feed two million prisoners."

[winwintoo]

My appologies to my male friends....

One day, Three Men were Hiking and unexpectedly came upon a Large Raging, Violent River. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the River in about Two Hours, after Almost Drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Second Man Prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the Strength and the Tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a Rowboat and he was able to Row across the River in about an Hour, after almost Capsizing the Boat a couple of times.

The Third Man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the Strength and the tools...and the Intelligence... to Cross this River." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She Looked at the Map, Hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Margaret

[CJ Swartz]

Margaret,



...oh, I almost forgot--my apologies to the guys also.

[CJ Swartz]

All eight of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were gathered in a bunker in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister, walked in and said, "I've got good news and bad news."

"The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."

One of the doubles spoke up and said, "what's the bad news"?

"He's lost an arm."


This was originally posted before the news came that our military might have bombed Saddam's location.

[Blacknight]

Originally posted by winwintoo
My appologies to my male friends....

Do you HAVE any male friends, Margaret?

[winwintoo]

BK Ouch!! Well I thought I did

Margaret

[Blacknight]

Well, I'm guessing that after that post, that is the correct tense of the word for you to use - past tense!

[Jeanmilden1]

Kids Advice on Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
* Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
* Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife.
I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
*Kelvin, age 8


"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
*Ricky, age 10

[CJ Swartz]

**This may get me in trouble or it may be deleted for "questionable taste" -- so READ IT FAST!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, "he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...

1 - Cage - 20 bucks

Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...

Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!!

[winwintoo]

After I used Javex to get the fish bowl "really" clean, my own kids didn't ask for any more pets, but now my son's family has a dog, 3 fish, 4 birds and 3 hamsters - a male and two females.

It was all I could do to contain myself as my 6 year old grandson described the process of hamster pro-creation.

I'm sending your story along to them...

Margaret

[Sanda]

that's so funny, I have tears rolling down my face from the laughter.