Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

[Gary Richardson]

My problems not being out in the sticks, its getting a good line to the local exchange, which is all of 800 yards away.

The next village along which is only 2 miles away, has cable and everything.

[Mike]

Originally Posted by rondon

not only phone but the lines into town have problems.

two things in the news give me hope that someday things will improve..

they made it legal to use powerlines in the US..

The power line idea is good also.. It works so well and cheaply that you have to wonder why it wasn't done before. The answer is the HAM operators claimed it would disrupt them.. it's been found it is not so.. Imagine all the cable lines that weren't needed?

The power line thing is catching on in some parts but I don't know if our little electrical co-op will invest the money in tech.

Can you give me some refernces to this???

Thanks, Mike

[Gary Richardson]

Got this in an e-mail yesterday, thought I'd share.

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.



As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.



With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over.



The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving
only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

[CJ Swartz]

Originally Posted by Gary Richardson

Got this in an e-mail yesterday, thought I'd share.

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

[TylerRB]

Gary

Thanks for that one! Perfect timing to a pretty dull day.....

Tyler

[CJ Swartz]

http://www.funny-games.biz/videos/10...mmercials.html

Hopefully this will work for anyone who wants to view it. Mature audience only.

[RichardBrackin]

I guess you heard a blimp went down in Florida and crash landed near a Red Lobster.
Nobody got hurt but there's some speculation as to the frantic action the cockpit voice recorder picked up from the crew.
Of particular interest is the 14 seconds that passed following the BRACE BRACE BRACE command

(Crazy_Canuck)
I can just hear the voice recorder now.

15:19:30 Woa, what the heck.......
15:20:32 Hang on to the s.o.b.
15:20:40 I cant hold her...were going down...we got 10ft
15:21:12 Drop ballast, full power.....cmon on baby...9ft
15:23:41 Dangit were still goin down...8ft
15:23:58 7 ft
15:24: 21 6 ft...cmon baby
15:24:33 Florida center this is GY Pan Pan Pan, we are at 5ft and unable to maintain altitude
15:24:44 Whats wrong with her? 4 ft
15:24:49 uninteligable
15:25:04 Florida center, gy mayday mayday mayday, ....at...uh..we have 3 ft...were goin in
15:25:24 watch out for the curb bill, hang on...2 ft
15:25:37 1 ft BRACE BRACE BRACE
15:25 51 -Sound of impact
15:25:55 You OK Bill?
15:25:57 Ya, i think i spilled my coffee though
15:26:03 All the shrimp you can eat for $4.99, wow.
END OF RECORDING
-

[CJ Swartz]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[winwintoo]

Thank you CJ - that made my day!!

Take care, Margaret

[CJ Swartz]

Originally Posted by winwintoo

...- that made my day!!

Take care, Margaret

Margaret, always GLAD to make you glad! Was it the fly story or the Room 808 (two posts above the fly story)? Just checking to see what works best to post here in the future -- to keep you amused!

[winwintoo]

Both!!

The Room 808 was priceless and I'm still laughing about that one, but I got a kick out of the flyswatter one too and passed that on to Mom. There are so few jokes that I feel I can share with Mom

Take care, Margaret

[CJ Swartz]

Perhaps not for mom...

http://www.fun-movie.com/displayimag...cat=0&pos=-105

[Kraellin]

gary,

you shld check out satellite internet connections. i had it for a few years before dsl moved in. it's actually faster on the downlink side than dsl or cable. the uplink is little better than 56k, but the downlink side is screaming fast. the maximum downlink speed is roughly 5000 megabits per second. the price is more expensive than dsl or cable. i was paying around $70 a month, but it was worth it for all the downloading i used to do. i once downloading a 100 megabyte file in about 4 minutes. i think directv is currently the provider that bought out my old company, pegasus. so, you could contact them and find out.

you may also have a wireless provider in the area. those can be pretty good also. i had one for a few months. it was ok. not as good as the dsl i currently have, but ok.

Craig

[Gary Richardson]

Craig, thanks, worth thinking about certainly.

[Peter S]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. One day
they met up and discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how
Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well
any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It
took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she
wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I
am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home, so I
rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald,"
she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your
mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[Peter S]

DiHydrogen Monoxide
-------------------

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls
Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become
to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict
control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for
plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting;
2. it is a major component in acid rain;
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state;
4. accidental inhalation can kill you;
5. it contributes to erosion;
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes;
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said
yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was "WATER", H2O.

[Mike]

Advice for the ladies:

_________________________________

Five tips for a woman...


It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


It is important that a man makes you laugh.


It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.


It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.


It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[MaryLynn]

Thanks, Mike. That's been my problem--I've been looking for all those traits in one man!

[Mike]

Thought this was right for the season:

Thank You to all of ... My E-mail Friends

There is much to be thankful for during the Holiday Season, so of course we can take this time to appreciate and say "Thanks" to the many e-mails we receive from friends and family throughout the year.

Thanks to All of You –

I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank you, who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola, learning it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists, who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl, who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, and I will now return the favor!

**If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

THANK YOU!!

[Gary Richardson]

Priceless !!!

[DannyRaphael]

See image here:
http://www.retouchpro.com/forums/photo-based-art/12348-gift-impossible-buy-people.html

[Gary Richardson]

Don't know about "Tongue in Cheek", if you used that, you would'nt have any cheeks.

[CJ Swartz]

Originally Posted by Gary Richardson

Don't know about "Tongue in Cheek", if you used that, you would'nt have any cheeks.

Oh, no! I just realized that this could have a similar effect as the movie "Psycho" -- (it took me years to not think about "that scene" when I took a shower); now I could end up thinking of this every time I enter the bathroom...

[Ed_L]

Building Bill's House
Now if I were Bill Gates' contractor we'd have this discussion...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Sigh. Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it... nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

[CJ Swartz]

Oh, Ed, I love it!!! I hope that conversation happens before the roll-out of the next release...

[CJ Swartz]

Okay, Ed -- you didn't have to make your point this way!!

Dec. 30, 2005 ---
A previously unknown flaw in Microsoft Corp.'s Windows operating system is leaving computer users vulnerable to spyware, viruses and other programs that could overtake their machines and has sent the company scrambling to come up with a fix. [where have we heard tHiS before?!]

Microsoft said in a statement yesterday that it is investigating the vulnerability and plans to issue a software patch to fix the problem. The company could not say how soon that patch would be available.

Security researchers revealed the flaw on Tuesday and posted instructions online that showed how would-be attackers could exploit the flaw. Within hours, computer virus and spyware authors were using the flaw to distribute malicious programs that could allow them to take over and remotely control afflicted computers.

This isn't a joke -- this isn't funny -- it's just Windows

[rondon]

All the nice games that have been linked to here have made me feel class-less for not contributing one before now.... Perhaps this will boost my standing.

http://www.panlogic.co.uk/zed/fart_game/intro.swf

[Ed_L]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Pontoon Boating 3.5 and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________




REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:


This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Trimoon]

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

[rondon]

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her
physician to ask his help in reviving her
husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? asks
the doctor.

Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an
Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't
even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor,
who directly inquired as to progress. The poor
dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate He
jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With
one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean
the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure
as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me
face in Starbucks again