It says "Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof."
The operator says "You know there's a minimum, so adding one more woof won't cost you anything extra".
The sheepdog says "But that wouldn't make any sense at all."
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the
FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf`s nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa`s weight and balance calculations for sled`s enormous
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa`s surprise, a shotgun.
"What`s that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I`m not supposed to tell you this, but
you`re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
I just gotta add my bit to this
You guys have had me laughing so long I though I'd add one of my own:
A fancy dress party was being held by the local church.
The usual Tarts and Vicars attended as well as a good smattering of Pirates, cavemen and other such costumes.
In walks a middle aged man dressed in green suit with a naked woman on his back. A few eyebrows were raised as the man casually walked around, talking to people with this naked woman clinging to his back.
Eventually the Vicar who organised the party approached the man and asked what his costume was.
'I've come as a Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtle' explained the man, with the woman still clinging to his back.
'Oh really' said the Vicar 'and, who may i ask is this lady on your back'
'Oh, her?' replied the man............
One more then I'll get my coat :-)
A man is driving along a highway and sees a hare jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the hare jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the hare. Much to his dismay, the hare is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man about his problem. "I feel terrible," he explains "I accidentally hit this hare and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the hare.
! The hare jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten metres away the hare stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten metres, turns and waves, hops another ten metres, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He naturally asks the woman, "What's in that can? What did you spray on that hare?"
The blonde woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're going to be sorry.)
It says, "Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
I'll get my coat
Had a funny thing happen a few months ago . I stopped at a convenience store to get a soda. It was a hot day. I went inside and asked the lady waiting in line if the car outside with the boy in the backseat was hers. She replied, “Yes. Why? What’s wrong?” I said to her, “He’s trying to pee and I’m afraid he doesn’t have the window down quite enough.” She screamed and ran out the door. As I was finishing my purchase, she was in line trying to purchase a roll of paper towels.
P.S. New Car
For the girls................
Women's T-Shirt Slogans ...
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
I'm out of oestrogen, and I have a gun.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
For the guys...........
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.
"How are you three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.
When they board the train, the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"
A busy mother was trying to pack for vacation. Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this!" and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, the mom reached out and stuck her daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again.
When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a totally devastated look on her face.
She said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
The little girl said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"
I just heard this:
A shopper walks to the pet shop register and asks the employee, "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me why that parrot costs $5,000 dollars?"
The employee says, "Oh that parrot is extremely special, it's one of a kind, not only is it beautiful but it is bilingual."
The man gives the employee a strange look and says, "No way, there's no animal that could ever learn how to speak two languages!"
The employee smiles and says, "Follow me I'll prove it."
"Now go ahead pull on his right leg." The man pulls on the parrots right leg.
The parrot says, "Hello how are you?".
The man smiles and says, "Wow, cool, that's amazing!"
The employee then says, "Go ahead pull on the left leg."
So the man pulls on the parrots left leg.
The parrot says, "Hola como estas?"
The man was so excited and overwhelmed and he says, "wow that is the coolest thing I've ever seen, please you've got to tell me what happens if I pull both of his legs?"
The parrot turns and looks at the man and says, "Pues, I fall down pendejo!"
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut
it....sometimes two times a week.
They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say do myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
You'd better sit down Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
And where do they get this mulch?
They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
"Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....
Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!
Last edited by CJ Swartz; 12-29-2002 at 11:57 AM.
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