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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

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Old 12-29-2002, 04:26 PM
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LQQKER LQQKER is offline
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A West Virginia state trooper was parked behind a billboard waiting to give someone a ticket. Within a few moments, an old pick-up truck drove by, traveling at an extremely fast rate. The cop turned on his siren and proceeded to pull over the truck. When he approached the truck, the driver, Billy Bob, rolled down his window. In a firm voice the trooper asked “got any ID”? To which Billy Bob replied “bout what?”
Old 01-06-2003, 08:36 AM
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collinf collinf is offline
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Luke and Vader are in the middle of a furious lightsabre duel, the outcome of which will decide the fate of the galaxy. The fight has raged backwards and forwards for several minutes, but at last it appears that Luke has the upper hand. Another few strokes and he has Vader pinned up against a wall.
Suddenly, Vader rasps, "I know what you're getting for Christmas."
"No!" screams Luke. "That's not true! That's impossible!"
Vader takes advantage of Luke's momentary distraction to bat his lightsabre aside and launch a new attack. Luke ends up on the defensive for a while, but eventually he regains his composure and, as is the way of such things, good begins to prevail again. Before long he has beaten Vader to the floor.
"I know what you're getting for Christmas," says Vader again. But Luke isn't going to be taken in by the same trick twice, and Vader gets no opportunity to try another comeback.
"How?" Luke demands instead. "How could you possibly know that?"
And Vader says, "I felt your presents."
Old 01-06-2003, 08:37 AM
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Luke and Obi Wan are sat in a Chinese restaurant.

They both order Chicken Chow-Mein. When the meal arrives, Obi-Wan picks up and uses the provided chopsticks like the "seasoned" professional that he is.

Luke collects his chop-sticks, fumbles with them for a few minutes and finally picks up some chow-mein. He's just moving it towards his mouth when he slips and drops it down his front, obviously making a nasty mess on his tunic. Obi Wan hangs his head, tuts and sends Luke to clean up.

He goes to the bathroom and cleans himself up, returns to his table, and determined not to be beaten by two pieces of wood, tries again. Again, he fumbles with the chop sticks for two or three minutes and then collects some chow-mein.

Predictably, he once again throws the chow-mein down his front. Obi-Wan tuts, hangs his head and breathes deeply for a couple of seconds.

"Master," says Luke, "how do you eat with these things?"

"Luke my young Padowan, one day you will learn the secret of the chopstick. For the moment, "

He pauses for effect, possibly longer than necessary.

Taking a deep breath he says

"Use the forks, Luke".
Old 01-26-2003, 12:31 PM
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themanda themanda is offline
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not a joke, but totally true...:)

I go to school online in the evenings, and have been knocking myself out over Algebra for the past five weeks. My poor kid has put up with a lot of complaining from me, and also a lot of his own complaining because I've been on the computer and doing homework soooo much.

So last Thursday was the last day of class, and I had a big final exam due. It was very tough, very involved, and very difficult. I'd been working on it for three hours off an on, and was getting very close to being done. I was sitting in the office, troubling over a problem when my five year old son came in to "check on me".

He was flipping through my text book, looking at all of the pictures of graphs and charts. Every now and then, there would be a picture of a forest or a lake or a person or something. He flipped one page open to find a large picture of Norman Bates' mother from "Psycho" glaring at him in horrible glory. He blanched and dropped the page.

"See, Momma." he said in total seriousness. "Algebra will kill you."

Old 02-01-2003, 06:17 PM
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CJ Swartz CJ Swartz is offline
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. "But how 'bout my friend?"

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
Old 02-04-2003, 06:26 PM
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Ed_L Ed_L is offline
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The California condor, a large bird, was on the brink of extinction, but has recently shown some success of being restored to better days.
Billy Joe Bob took a hike up into the mountains, where he spotted a California condor very close by. Billy Joe Bob raised his gun, and shot the magnificent bird, killing it. He proceeded to cut the head and wings off before putting the remainder on an open fire to cook. He took a few bites, when, as luck would have it, the man with the badge just happened by. Billy Joe Bob was immediately arrested, and taken to town.
At his court hearing, the judge asked him why he would shoot a bird that was on the endangered species list. Billy Joe Bob told the judge that he was lost in the mountains, and hadn't had anything to eat for four days. After listening to his story, the judge said that even though he was technically guilty as charged, he understood the reasons why he would do something like that, and the finding was "not guilty".
As Billy Joe Bob started to leave the courtroom, the judge called mister Bob back. In a rather loud whisper, he said "I've always wondered what a California condor would taste like. How was it?" Billy Joe Bob replied "Well, it was kind of like a cross between a bald eagle and a whooping crane."
Old 02-06-2003, 01:34 PM
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Sanda Sanda is offline
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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above ground level. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north, 59 and 60 degrees west"
" You must be an engineer" said the balloonist". "I am," said the woman, "how did you know that?"
"Well", answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be in management". "I am," he replied "but how did you know that?".

"Well", said the woman" you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".
Old 02-06-2003, 09:01 PM
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Paul Paul is offline
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that drivel .... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked THE S**T out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the s**t out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Old 02-18-2003, 01:10 AM
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BigAl BigAl is offline
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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mom, look what I found", the boy called out.
" What have you got there, dear?" said his mother.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".
Old 02-21-2003, 12:18 PM
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CJ Swartz CJ Swartz is offline
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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