Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

[Gary Richardson]

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry

==========

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Is that your left or my left?

==========

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and.....

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !

==========

Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.

Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.

I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the

monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

==========

Customer: I have problems printing in red ...

Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

==========

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

==========

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It's not working.

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?

Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.

==========

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!

==========

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

==========

A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

==========

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.

==========

Customer: I have a huge problem.

A friend has placed screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !

==========

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you?

Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.

Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?

Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago.

Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

==========

Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter " a ", but how do I get the circle around it?

[CJ Swartz]

ALL Good ones, Gary!

Originally Posted by Gary Richardson

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!

==========

A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

I think the tech who answered the keyboard question deserves an ovation -- instead of digging around behind the computer looking for an unplugged connector, s/he just cleared up the issue immediately.

The password question is one I hadn't heard before -- I can see how someone MIGHT actually think that is the password...

[summerz]

Loved the customer service!
(yes I can see me typing the 5 stars lol)

Here is one for today........

Top 10 reasons why Trick-or-Treating is better than sex...


10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

[JimJam]

Thanks summerz I like that... great Top Ten for today.

[Peter S]

U Might just have seen this before it is OLD

[Gary Richardson]

No I haven't.

[Britsdad]

Not exactly a joke but it got me laughing, check out the Maze Game, have your sound on.
http://toan.to.funpic.org/Maze.php
John

[Kraellin]

hehehe, i've seen others like that

[Gary Richardson]

[CJ Swartz]

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!


Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.........well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:


WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!


Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

[Gary Richardson]

Nice one CJ, and so true, I've been noticing some of the same things myself.

[CJ Swartz]

Originally Posted by Gary Richardson

... so true, I've been noticing some of the same things myself.

Gary, please use bigger type in your replies!

[BLR]

Q: What are usually the last words of a redneck?

A: "Hey y'all, watch this!"

[Gary Richardson]

Originally Posted by C.J

Gary, please use bigger type in your replies!

THIS BIG ENOUGH C.J ?

[Peter S]

Originally Posted by Gary Richardson

THIS BIG ENOUGH C.J ?

I need a bigger screen now.

you just pushed the sides off of this one.

Has anyone got any sticky tape handy????????

Peter

[CJ Swartz]

Originally Posted by Peter S

I need a bigger screen now.

you just pushed the sides off of this one.

Has anyone got any sticky tape handy????????

Peter

Gary -- Yes, I can read that WITHOUT my glasses!

Peter, so sorry about breaking your monitor -- I hope you found the tape (or velcro) to patch it together.

[Gary Richardson]

Originally Posted by Peter S

I need a bigger screen now.

you just pushed the sides off of this one.

Has anyone got any sticky tape handy????????

Peter

Gary -- Yes, I can read that WITHOUT my glasses!

I can't! that's why I do most of my retouches using my Braile interface. (Called Microsoft White Stick)

[Peter S]

I can't!

Not so loud I need new speakers now.
Where's that cotton wool??????????

[DannyRaphael]

...and photo editing skills.

------------------------------------

Note: This is not a "political statemenet" by me. I could not care less. The intent was to share a humourous idea. Copy/paste in your own victim.

[Gary Richardson]

Didn't get that one at first Danny, but I'm now ROFLMAO.

[NancyJ]

One for the ladies - (nsfw)
http://www.icelolly.tv/show.php?vid=V39

Guy strips in a supermarket - compression is a killer but still funny.

[Gary Richardson]

For the terminally paranoid (like me), who want a tinfoil hat but don't want something plain, here's a site with some stylish offerings.

http://www.ericisgreat.com/tinfoilhats/index.html

[Kraellin]

i like the fine print on the last one, gary

[Gary Richardson]

Which is your favourite? I think mine's the Fez, it goes so well with my Turkish slippers and velvet Smoking Jacket. (If it's good enough for Tommy Cooper it's good enough for me!)

Course I'd have to paint it red, don't want people to think I'm barking.

[CJ Swartz]

Originally Posted by Gary Richardson

... mine's the Fez, it goes so well with my Turkish slippers and velvet Smoking Jacket.
Course I'd have to paint it red, don't want people to think I'm barking.

I'm sitting here, gathering this mental image of you, based on your descriptions...

[Trimoon]

Please read
below:


Company Policy:

Effective from
January 2005


Dress Code

It is advised that
you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you
wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.



Sick Days

We will no longer
accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to
go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.




Personal Days

Each employee will
receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday &
Sunday.




Bereavement
Leave


This is no excuse
for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.




Toilet Use

Entirely too much
time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.




Lunch Break

Skinny people get
30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for
lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.




Thank you for your
loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.


The Management

[Kraellin]

i think i worked there once, steve

[Gary Richardson]

I know I've worked there Craig.

I'm sitting here, gathering this mental image of you, based on your descriptions...

Did I mention I smoke a Meerschaum pipe and wear a pair of fluorescent deeley boppers with the tinfoil Fez.

[Kraellin]

that's quite a picture, gary

[Gary Richardson]

Originally Posted by Kraellin

that's quite a picture, gary

Perfectly normal dress where I come from. (He says fighting off the man in the white coat).