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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

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  #131  
Old 02-27-2003, 05:31 AM
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ravenmd ravenmd is offline
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Talking Instructions on giving your cat a pill.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm paws held tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour =BD pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
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  #132  
Old 02-28-2003, 02:30 PM
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ravenmd ravenmd is offline
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well.. hmm.. I had that pill one deep in the archives of my harddrive and just discovered it was posted not long ago on another thread. Oh well.. I can't keep track of everything. Sorry for the redundant post :
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  #133  
Old 03-02-2003, 12:01 PM
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Jeanmilden1 Jeanmilden1 is offline
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Smile OLD CHINESE PROVERBS

OLD CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
_____________
Hi, This is my first day and I cannot tell you how many times I have been lost on this site - so decided to just relax and enjoy your humor - Hope this ends up in the right place! Jean
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  #134  
Old 03-07-2003, 08:41 PM
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CJ Swartz CJ Swartz is offline
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With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother.

Soon, 10 minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Another 20 minutes later, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" They demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"Because, "she told them, "I forgot where I put it."

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  #135  
Old 03-08-2003, 12:49 AM
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Jeanmilden1 Jeanmilden1 is offline
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Having a Bad Day

Subject: bad day?


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to in- vestigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
----------------------------------------------
Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
----------------------------------------------
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

----------------------------------------------
YOURS IS STILL A BAD DAY, HUH ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
----------------------------------------------
WHAT ? STILL THINK YOUR DAY IS BAD?
Terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
----------------------------------------------
THERE NOW, FEELING BETTER ?

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  #136  
Old 03-10-2003, 03:18 AM
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d_kendal d_kendal is offline
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Someody just posted a link to this on the Mandrake newsgroup, I seriously doubt it's real (I'd be kinda worried if sombody out there was really THAT oblivious!), but I found it pretty funny anyway.. here's the link.

a couple quotes from it:

Quote:
Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider.

If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processormakers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking.

BSD, Lunix, Debianand Mandrakeare all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoftfor the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program.


- David
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  #137  
Old 03-10-2003, 07:36 AM
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ravenmd ravenmd is offline
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That is absolutely hilarious, David!


I certainly HOPE it is tongue-in-cheek, but you never know. I have seen some pretty wild paranoia lately. Nevertheless, it was a good early Monday laugh.

thanks!


(hmmmmm.. aren't you a Linux user? How do you feel about being a "hacker"? )
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  #138  
Old 03-11-2003, 12:11 PM
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tyeise tyeise is offline
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the marriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
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  #139  
Old 03-11-2003, 05:01 PM
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Gates VS. GM

GATES VS. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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  #140  
Old 03-12-2003, 12:48 AM
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d_kendal d_kendal is offline
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thanks for posting that one Jean, I've read variations on it, and it never fails to make me laugh!

- David
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