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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

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Old 03-18-2003, 02:57 PM
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Trimoon Trimoon is offline
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Old 03-28-2003, 09:58 AM
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Are you tired?

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Old 03-28-2003, 11:36 AM
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tyeise tyeise is offline
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Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offenders eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"

Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in fr! ont of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.

Inspectors my foot... You want the job done? Call my mother.
Old 03-28-2003, 02:03 PM
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Jeanmilden1 Jeanmilden1 is offline
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tyeise, Sooooo very true
Old 03-28-2003, 02:09 PM
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Jeanmilden1 Jeanmilden1 is offline
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Doggie Funeral

subject: Doggie Funeral

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, the dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not me lad, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad, Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Old 03-29-2003, 05:19 AM
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Tell if you've heard this one.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
babybrother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while
the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Old 03-29-2003, 05:53 AM
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Ed_L Ed_L is offline
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>>>To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
>>>grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make
>>>you chuckle.
>>>Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
>>>thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
>>>children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
>>>And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
>>>"Don't what?" Adam replied.
>>>"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
>>>"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden
>>>"No Way!"
>>>"Yes, way!"
>>>"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
>>>"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
>>>hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
>>>God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
>>>"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
>>>"Uh huh," Adam replied.
>>>"Then why did you?" said the Father.
>>>"I don't know," said Eve
>>>"She started it!" Adam said
>>>"Did not!"
>>>"Did too!"
>>>"DID NOT!"
>>>Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
>>>Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it
>>>has never changed.
>>>If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
>>>they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
>>>raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
>>>1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
>>>talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
>>>2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
>>>3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
>>>4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
>>>word what you shouldn't have said.
>>>5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
>>>that there are children more awful than your own.
>>>6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
>>>ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
Old 03-30-2003, 11:18 AM
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VisualEyes VisualEyes is offline
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War Explained
Date: 03-18-03 10:37

PN: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?

WM: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate security council resolutions.

PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.

WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.

PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.

WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.

PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for attacking us or our allies with such weapons.

WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather terrorists networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to.

PN: But couldn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the eighties ourselves, didn't we?

WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that has an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the early eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a power-hungry lunatic murderer.

PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry lunatic murderer?

WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait.

PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our ambassador to Iraq, Gillespie, know about and green-light the invasion of Kuwait?

WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell its biological and chemical weapons to Al Qaida. Osama BinLaden himself released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide attack us, proving a partnership between the two.

PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill him?

WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily be a partnership between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein unless we act.

PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a secular infidel?

WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell presented a strong case against Iraq.

PN: He did?

WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Qaeda poison factory in Iraq.

PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of Iraq controlled by the Kurdish opposition?

WM: And a British intelligence report...

PN: Didn't that turn out to be copied from an out-of-date graduate student paper?

WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs...

PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings?

WM: And reports of Iraqis scuttling and hiding evidence from inspectors...

PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix?

WM: Yes, but there is plenty of other hard evidence that cannot be revealed because it would compromise our security.

PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find evidence. You're missing the point.

PN: So what is the point?

WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because resolution 1441 threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the security council will become an irrelevant debating society.

PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the security council?

WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us.

PN: And what if it does rule against us?

WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade Iraq.

PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that?

WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters.

PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of billions of dollars

WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing.

PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war.

WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its will by electing leaders to make decisions.

PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is important?

WM: Yes.

PN: But George B-

WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is about being a patriot. That's the bottom line.

PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not patriotic?

WM: I never said that.

PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq?

WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of mass destruction that threaten us and our allies.

PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons.

WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them.

PN: You know this? How?

WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are still unaccounted for.

PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean?

WM: Precisely.

PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade to an unusable state over ten years.

WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded.

PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, we must invade?

WM: Exactly.

PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical, biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND threatened to turn America into a sea of fire.

WM: That's a diplomatic issue.

PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy?

WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow the inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, deceiving, and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens of millions.

PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions.

WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security.

PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim sentiments against us, and decrease our security?

WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way we live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won.

PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, color-coded terror alerts, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the way we live?

WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq.

PN: I do. Why are we invading Iraq?

WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has called on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must now face the consequences.

PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as find a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen?

WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations?

WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the Security Council?

WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the Security Council?

WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto.

PN: In which case?

WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto.

PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at all?

WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council.

PN: That makes no sense:

WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, with the all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to boycott their wine and cheese, no doubt about that.

PN: I give up.
Old 03-30-2003, 03:53 PM
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Trimoon Trimoon is offline
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Sorry! Not Funny.
Old 03-30-2003, 04:39 PM
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Jeanmilden1 Jeanmilden1 is offline
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Visual Eyes, Wars are ugly - war liberated slavery, war ended Hitler, etc. - This forum is not the place to discuss war . We have the freedom to go to other websites that encourage these discussions - thank God we have this freedom.
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