[Leah]

Only just noticed this while reviewing old chuckles...

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bill and his wife, Mary, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Presumably not pleasant because at this moment Bill realised that Mary was also married to Tom...

[boingo82]

How to prepare Kiwi.

[Doug Nelson]

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

[Ed_L]

> > > Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors
> > > and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after
having
> > > dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to
give
> to
> > > their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
> > > The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
> > >
> > > The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in
the
> > > house."
> > > >
> > > > The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an
SL600."
> > >
> > > > The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved
reading
the
> > > Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't
see
very
> > > well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can
recite
the
> > > entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I
had to
> > > pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church,
> but
> > > it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and
the
> > > parrot will recite it."
> > > >
> > > > The other brothers were impressed.
> > > >
> > > > After the holidays Mom sent out her! Thank You notes.
> > > >
> > > > She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in
only
> one
> > > room, but I have to clean the whole
> > > > house. Thanks anyway."
> > > >
> > > > "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries
> > > delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
> > > > The thought was good. Thanks."
> > > >
> > > > "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,
it
could
> > > hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing
and
> I'm
> > > nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just
the
> > > same."
> > > >
> > > > "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense
to
give
> > > a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank
you."

[rondon]

Good one ED...


FROM THE DESK 0F S. CLAUS

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith ! and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Lif e" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus

[winwintoo]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Margaret

[CJ Swartz]

I sure didn't see that one coming!

[CJ Swartz]

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

[CJ Swartz]

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/nurse.cfm

[rondon]

Have you seen this rover ?

good laugh for my nurse friend CJ

[Ed_L]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket,
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the
matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some
***hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the
other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We
like people who think on their feet here.
"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing down there but
whores and football players ."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[rondon]

haha Ed... cool hand there

[winwintoo]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name
is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the
truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never
spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues
down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens
again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out
of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her
window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Joe,
it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

[rondon]

As the dentist bends over to Probe into a truckers mouth he feels a hand slide under his smock and grasp His testicles ...

The trucker looks in his eyes and say's "now we wouldn't want to do anything to hurt each other ... would we" ?

RonDon

[CJ Swartz]

Margaret -
Ron -

Here's one for tomorrow's Super Bowl --


A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in
the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear
Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows
off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is
anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a
great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This
is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the
Super Bowl and not use it?

The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

--------------