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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

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  #161  
Old 04-07-2003, 08:09 PM
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Blacknight Blacknight is offline
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Well, I'm guessing that after that post, that is the correct tense of the word for you to use - past tense!
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  #162  
Old 04-09-2003, 03:21 AM
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Jeanmilden1 Jeanmilden1 is offline
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Kids Advice on Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
* Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
* Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife.
I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
*Kelvin, age 8


"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
*Ricky, age 10

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  #163  
Old 04-12-2003, 06:21 PM
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CJ Swartz CJ Swartz is offline
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**This may get me in trouble or it may be deleted for "questionable taste" -- so READ IT FAST!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, "he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...

1 - Cage - 20 bucks

Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...

Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!!

Last edited by CJ Swartz; 04-13-2003 at 02:11 AM.
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  #164  
Old 04-12-2003, 11:17 PM
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winwintoo winwintoo is offline
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After I used Javex to get the fish bowl "really" clean, my own kids didn't ask for any more pets, but now my son's family has a dog, 3 fish, 4 birds and 3 hamsters - a male and two females.

It was all I could do to contain myself as my 6 year old grandson described the process of hamster pro-creation.

I'm sending your story along to them...

Margaret
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  #165  
Old 04-13-2003, 12:33 AM
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Sanda Sanda is offline
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that's so funny, I have tears rolling down my face from the laughter.
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  #166  
Old 04-13-2003, 02:14 AM
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CJ Swartz CJ Swartz is offline
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It is a good one, isn't it! I just received it in my e-mail today. It's one of the few new stories I've received in ages.
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  #167  
Old 04-13-2003, 08:24 PM
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Ed_L Ed_L is offline
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The coaches in St. Landry parish went to a coaches retreat and to
> save
> > >money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with coach
> Boudreaux
> > >because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem
> stay
> > >with him the whole time so they vote to take turns.
Coach Fontenot
sleeps
> > >with
> > >him and he come to breakfast next morning hair a mess, eyes all blood
> shot.

> > >They say, "Man, what happen to you?" He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore
> so
> > >loud, I watch him all night." Next night coach Guidrys turn. In the
> > >morning,
> > >same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man,
> > >what
> > >happened to you? You look awful!" He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux
shake
> > >the
> > >roof. I watched him all night."
Third night, coach Doucet turn. Next
> > >morning
> > >he come to breakfast brightFw Coonass thing.ems eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning you
> all."
> > >They can't believe! They say, "Man, what happened?"
He say, Well, we
get
> > >ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into bed and kiss him good
night.
> He watch me all night long."
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  #168  
Old 04-13-2003, 11:14 PM
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Jeanmilden1 Jeanmilden1 is offline
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This came through my email today - thought it cute.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg dal smiles.jpg (45.3 KB, 76 views)
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  #169  
Old 04-15-2003, 10:14 AM
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winwintoo winwintoo is offline
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Talking This is a woman's lot in life.....

The pilot of a fully booked 747 comes on the PA. He announces
that there is a mountain ahead and that he cannot manoeuver
around it. He says a solems prayer and tells everyone that they
are going to perish within the next 3 minutes.

Chaos ensues (obviously). A woman in the 14th row jump up, tears
off all of her clothes and starts to scream: "Please!! Someone make
me feel like a woman for the last time!!! Hurry!! I want to feel like a
woman one more time!!"

Immediately, a man in the 12th row jumps up, tears off his shirt and
tosses it to her. "Here, woman, iron this."
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  #170  
Old 04-16-2003, 11:59 AM
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winwintoo winwintoo is offline
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Bush got a coded message from Saddam

It read:___________ 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA._ The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA._ The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton._ He suggested turning it upside down ...


m
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