Did you hear about the cowboy that woke up in the morning and couldn't remember if he lost his horse or found a rope?
A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big SPLASH! The priest and the pastor looked at each other, and they said each other. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?'"
Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road in rural Wyoming. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wristwatch and a BHS tie, jumped out and asked the herder ?If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them??
The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said ?Okay.?
The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery and a GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer. He turned to the herder and said ?You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.?
The herder answered ?Say, you are right. Pick out a sheep.? The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle.
As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked ?Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind??
The young man answered ?Sure.?
The herder said immediately ?You are a web consultant.?
?Exactly! How did you know?? asked the young man.
?Very simple,? replied the herder. ?First you came here without being invited. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you do not understand anything about my business, and I?d really like to have my dog back.?
> >Once upon a time there lived a king.
> >The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.
> >But there was a problem.
> >Everything the princess touched would melt.
> >No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
> >Because of this, men were afraid of her.
> >Nobody would dare marry her.
> >The king despaired.
> >What could he do to help his daughter?
> >He consulted his wizards and magicians.
> >One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
> >The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
> >The next day, he held a competition.
> >Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
> >Three young princes took up the challenge.
> >The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.
> >But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
> >The prince went away sadly.
> >The second prince brought diamonds.
> >He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
> >But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
> >He too was sent away disappointed.
> >The third prince approached.
> >He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
> >The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
> >She felt something hard.
> >She held it in her hand.
> >And it did not melt!!!
> >The king was overjoyed.
> >Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
> >And the third prince married the princess
> >and they both lived happily ever after.
> >What was in the prince's pants?
> >M&M's, of course.
> >"They melt in your mouth, not in your hands."
A little long - but will put a smile on your face.
> Subject: Written by 6th Graders
> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote
> in hydraulics.
> They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
> 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
> 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
> 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
> 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
> 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
> 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
> 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
> 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
> 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
> 11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
> 12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
> 13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
> 14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
> Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
> 15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
> They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
> 16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
> 17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
> 18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered the radio.
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Dear [Interviewer's Name],
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Physics Product Warnings
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain
Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That
This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of
Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied
Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to theContrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer manoeuvre. Which is why we ask you to
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
ARE YOU A SAFE DRIVER ?
(c) 1992 The Salford Parking Space Fiend
1. Would you expect to find skid marks
a) at the scene of a pile-up,
b) when approaching a radar trap,
c) when leaving traffic lights,
d) on a blind bend,
e) on a blind traffic warden's hat, or
f) on your passengers' underwear ?
2. You are tooting along quite happily when a long, black, official-looking limousine cuts in front of you, its lights flashing and its horn blaring. Do you
a) lower your speed,
b) raise your fingers,
c) take his number,
d) tut severely,
e) probably fail to notice, or
f) feel it was probably a mistake to go for a spin round the grounds of Buckingham Palace, after all ?
3. Is the maximum legal speed limit in the UK
a) 70 mph,
b) three bottles of amphetamines,
d) just a wild unobtainable dream,
e) usually obtained before you've got out of second gear, or
f) quaint ?
4. If your girlfriend gave you a two-tone horn for Christmas, would you
a) use it to tune your engine,
b) buy here a new blade for her ladyshave,
c) join a Caribbean band,
d) see a doctor,
e) ask her to see a doctor, or
f) ask her to take her teeth out next time ?
5. Do you see traffic signs as
a) dangerous hazards,
b) amusing distractions,
c) a blur,
d) incontrovertible prrof that life's not fair,
e) a load of bollards,
f) a conservation area for moss, rust and graffiti ?
6. You are negotiating the descent of a steep alpine mountain pass on your way home from work when your brakes fail round a treacherous hairpin bend. Do you
a) attempt to change gear,
b) attempt to change your underwear,
c) jump out of the window,
d) think you've seen the film,
e) wonder what the hell you are doing up a steep alpine mountain pass anyway, or
f) phone home to say you'll be back sooner than expected?
7. Do you change your oil
a) when the old oil has run out,
b) before a dinner party,
c) after a bath,
d) in spring,
e) in extremis, or
f) only if you can't afford a new car ?
8. Driving down a foggy narrow country lane, you begin to suspect that you may be travelling a little too quickly for the conditions when you cross an icy humpback bridge and suddenly find yourself on a direct collision course with a jumbo jet. Do you
a) brake hard,
b) break down,
c) avert your eyes,
d) use your car phone to contact a mechanic,
e) use your car phone to contact a qualified priest, or
f) wish you hadn't bothered to renew the car tax ?
9. Is the RAC
a) a famous London museum,
b) a dyslexic term for motor vehicle,
c) a mythical rarely seen bird,
d) a mythical rarely seen motoring organisation,
e) a decoration awarded to soldiers who arrived late for the war, or
f) a group of brave men with handlebar moustaches who fly aeroplanes ?
10. You draw up behind a learner driver who is waiting for the lights to change at a busy crossroads. After three days and 8,640 changes, they have still not seen a colour they like. Would you be
c) in grave danger of running out of patience,
d) in grave danger of running out of petrol,
e) astounded, or
f) asleep ?
How did you score?
Marking scheme :
a - 100
b - 160
c - 0
d - 200
e - 120
f - 60
Total mark range classifications:
Well done! It usually takes you half an hour to go from 0 to 60. Sit down and try and get your breath back. Bloody Sunday driver.
You're the type of mild and meek motorist who thinks that the rev counter is something that tells you how many vicars have been in the car. You approach hazards at precisely 10mph, then slow down again after you've passed them. You seem to have gained the impression that aquaplaning is something you do with trunks and a sailboat. As far as you are concerned, it might as well be.
You have little respect for pedestrians and even less for your fellow motorists. You sneer at passing police cars, show a contemptuous disregard for road signs and blatantly ignore all warnings not to drink and drive. An average score. How do you like public transport, by the way ?
This quiz has obviously come as quite a shock to you. It's hardly surprising as you've spent the last 10 years sitting up late with a candle and half a dozen pencils trying to crack the Highway Code. After all that time, if you still feel that you want to drive, join a golf club.
You're one of those really knowledgeable motorists who think a double declutch is a stiff drink. Or is that just wishful thinking?
You're like an animal when you get behind a wheel - blind as a bat. You've got the road sense of a hedgehog, the reactions of a sloth, the navigating skills of a lemming and you get up more noses than a streptococcus bacterium.
Curiously enough this is also a pretty accurate assessment of the number of points that you have on your driving licence. It's also about forty times greater than your IQ and approximately half your average speed around town last week.>
You have an accident record roughly on par with that of the Forty Year War. The only thing that is remarkable about your driving is how you manage to get your vehicle insured every year - and why.
Your idea of road safety is to drive on the pavement. You see pelican crossings as a handy way of keeping the pedestrian population down. And the last red light you stopped at was over a young lady's door.
The First World War.
Let's be honest. You can do no wrong on the road. You're acute, skilled, attantive and generally perfect in every way. It's such a shame that your miraculous abilities are restricted to the mechanical confines of a mere internal combustion engine. Surely you'd feel more at home on a donkey?
Last edited by Leah; 04-25-2003 at 05:37 PM.
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|Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II||Doug Nelson||Salon||85||01-30-2012 02:02 PM|