These individual quotes were taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. Supposedly genuine - got to admire them
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom......and has started again
2. His men would follow him anywhere......... but only out of morbid curiosity
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much of a 'has been', but more of a definitely 'won't be'.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
12. Got a full 6-pack, put lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
13. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
14. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
15. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
16. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
17. He's been working with glue to much.
18. He would argue with a signpost.
19. He has the knack for making strangers immediately.
20. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
21. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
22. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
23. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
24. A prime candidate for natural de-selection..
25. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
26. The gates are coming down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
27. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
28. If he were any more stupid, he?d have to be watered twice a week.
29. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
30. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
31. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
32. One neurone short of a synapse.
33. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
34. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
35. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
He or She
A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed
as "she" and "her".
He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that
he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women,
and the second of men.
Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in
the feminine gender,
or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in
the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.
The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
That's great, Annadarling! I'd seen something similar once before. Sometimes I wish I could change the error message for my customers, reminding them that there IS a life outside of computers!
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|Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II||Doug Nelson||Salon||85||01-30-2012 02:02 PM|