[Peter S]

DiHydrogen Monoxide
-------------------

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls
Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become
to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict
control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for
plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting;
2. it is a major component in acid rain;
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state;
4. accidental inhalation can kill you;
5. it contributes to erosion;
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes;
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said
yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was "WATER", H2O.

[Mike]

Advice for the ladies:

_________________________________

Five tips for a woman...


It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


It is important that a man makes you laugh.


It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.


It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.


It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[MaryLynn]

Thanks, Mike. That's been my problem--I've been looking for all those traits in one man!

[Mike]

Thought this was right for the season:

Thank You to all of ... My E-mail Friends

There is much to be thankful for during the Holiday Season, so of course we can take this time to appreciate and say "Thanks" to the many e-mails we receive from friends and family throughout the year.

Thanks to All of You –

I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank you, who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola, learning it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists, who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl, who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, and I will now return the favor!

**If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

THANK YOU!!

[Gary Richardson]

Priceless !!!

[DannyRaphael]

See image here:
http://www.retouchpro.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12348

[Gary Richardson]

Don't know about "Tongue in Cheek", if you used that, you would'nt have any cheeks.

[CJ Swartz]

Originally Posted by Gary Richardson

Don't know about "Tongue in Cheek", if you used that, you would'nt have any cheeks.

Oh, no! I just realized that this could have a similar effect as the movie "Psycho" -- (it took me years to not think about "that scene" when I took a shower); now I could end up thinking of this every time I enter the bathroom...

[Ed_L]

Building Bill's House
Now if I were Bill Gates' contractor we'd have this discussion...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Sigh. Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it... nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

[CJ Swartz]

Oh, Ed, I love it!!! I hope that conversation happens before the roll-out of the next release...

[CJ Swartz]

Okay, Ed -- you didn't have to make your point this way!!

Dec. 30, 2005 ---
A previously unknown flaw in Microsoft Corp.'s Windows operating system is leaving computer users vulnerable to spyware, viruses and other programs that could overtake their machines and has sent the company scrambling to come up with a fix. [where have we heard tHiS before?!]

Microsoft said in a statement yesterday that it is investigating the vulnerability and plans to issue a software patch to fix the problem. The company could not say how soon that patch would be available.

Security researchers revealed the flaw on Tuesday and posted instructions online that showed how would-be attackers could exploit the flaw. Within hours, computer virus and spyware authors were using the flaw to distribute malicious programs that could allow them to take over and remotely control afflicted computers.

This isn't a joke -- this isn't funny -- it's just Windows

[rondon]

All the nice games that have been linked to here have made me feel class-less for not contributing one before now.... Perhaps this will boost my standing.

http://www.panlogic.co.uk/zed/fart_game/intro.swf

[Ed_L]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Pontoon Boating 3.5 and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________




REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:


This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Trimoon]

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

[rondon]

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her
physician to ask his help in reviving her
husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? asks
the doctor.

Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an
Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't
even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor,
who directly inquired as to progress. The poor
dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate He
jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With
one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean
the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure
as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me
face in Starbucks again