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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

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  #221  
Old 08-29-2003, 11:53 PM
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CJ Swartz CJ Swartz is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Metro Phoenix area, Arizona
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Quote:
Thirty kids making sitting sideways in their desks making circles with their feet and all reversing at the same time.
That's a great mind image -- I'm glad you were a hit!
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  #222  
Old 09-08-2003, 12:19 PM
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winwintoo winwintoo is offline
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Location: Regina, Saskatchewan
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bill and
his wife, Mary, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.
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  #223  
Old 09-10-2003, 03:38 PM
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winwintoo winwintoo is offline
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Location: Regina, Saskatchewan
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Thought this was interesting:

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
for instance.
-- Franklin P. Jones


Margaret
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  #224  
Old 10-06-2003, 09:17 PM
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DannyRaphael DannyRaphael is offline
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Tough Love Grandma

I recently read a column advising grandparents on the merits of applying a little "Tough Love" to misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild.

I have followed the advice,and am attaching a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm babysitting for his parents.

They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride. He usually calms down in short order.

Regards,

Tough Love Grandma
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File Type: jpg tough_love.jpg (38.5 KB, 64 views)
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  #225  
Old 10-07-2003, 06:36 AM
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LQQKER LQQKER is offline
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Danny,

And all this time I thought I was using an "original" technique.
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  #226  
Old 10-09-2003, 12:56 PM
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Leah Leah is offline
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Location: London, UK
Posts: 518
Only just noticed this while reviewing old chuckles...

Quote:
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bill and his wife, Mary, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Presumably not pleasant because at this moment Bill realised that Mary was also married to Tom...
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  #227  
Old 10-13-2003, 09:55 PM
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boingo82 boingo82 is offline
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Location: So. Ut.
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How to prepare Kiwi.
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File Type: gif kiwi.gif (7.6 KB, 70 views)
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  #228  
Old 12-05-2003, 07:51 AM
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Doug Nelson Doug Nelson is offline
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25 signs you've grown up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!
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  #229  
Old 12-15-2003, 07:35 AM
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Ed_L Ed_L is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: northwest Indiana, about 45 minutes from Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,824
> > > Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors
> > > and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after
having
> > > dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to
give
> to
> > > their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
> > > The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
> > >
> > > The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in
the
> > > house."
> > > >
> > > > The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an
SL600."
> > >
> > > > The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved
reading
the
> > > Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't
see
very
> > > well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can
recite
the
> > > entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I
had to
> > > pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church,
> but
> > > it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and
the
> > > parrot will recite it."
> > > >
> > > > The other brothers were impressed.
> > > >
> > > > After the holidays Mom sent out her! Thank You notes.
> > > >
> > > > She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in
only
> one
> > > room, but I have to clean the whole
> > > > house. Thanks anyway."
> > > >
> > > > "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries
> > > delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
> > > > The thought was good. Thanks."
> > > >
> > > > "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,
it
could
> > > hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing
and
> I'm
> > > nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just
the
> > > same."
> > > >
> > > > "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense
to
give
> > > a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank
you."
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  #230  
Old 12-15-2003, 03:45 PM
rondon rondon is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: north central florida
Posts: 470
Santa Gets a break

Good one ED...


FROM THE DESK 0F S. CLAUS

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith ! and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Lif e" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
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