A hearse is on its way up the hill to the cemetery, whereupon the rear doors break open and the casket falls out.
Since it is on a hill, the casket begins to bump downwards, picking up speed. The sight horrifies onlookers at the grocery store, and then goes on to pass the flower store, the hardware store, etc all the while noisily bumping down the street.
People are in shock!
Just then, it passes the pharmacy, hits the curb, and pauses for a moment...in that instant, the lid flies open and the corpse bolts upright, and asks the flabber-ghasted pharmacist:
"Say, can you give me something to stop my coffin?"
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes ---- Be sure to read his take on aging at the end!
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
AND, ABOUT GROWING OLDER............
First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth, You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.
Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh, One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth, One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth, Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth, Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally, If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
3 jokes I got in an e mail
Love the Irish
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County
Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three
beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly
at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers
and orders three more. This happens yet again. The
next evening the man again orders and drinks three
beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who
Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the
bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are
you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I
have two brothers, and one went to America, and the
other to Australia. We promised each other
that we would always order an extra two beers
whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with
this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers
became a local celebrity and source of pride to the
hamlet, even to the extent that
out-of-towners would come to
watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.
This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders
only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the
brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man,
"Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer
condolences to you for the death of your brother.
You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are
alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided
to give up drinking for Lent."
The Maine Farmer
An Old Maine farmer got pulled over by a Maine State trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are Ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if that's what
they are--I never heard of circle flies ."
So the old Maine farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse.
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement
and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the northern wilderness. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm began. Fortunately they came across an empty isolated cabin.
It was a simple place . . . one room with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the
large, potbellied, cast-iron stove. But, strangely, it was suspended in midair by wires attached to ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the "womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he is distributing heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian,
"I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning.
Fire LIFTED UP is a religious symbol."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had
hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct: "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
The proxy father
I hope this one is not to XXX....
The British Government's policy of socialised medicine
has recently been broadened to include a service called
"Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married
woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first
five years of her marriage may request the service of a
proxy father - a government employee who attempts to
solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy
father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says,
"I'm off. The government man should be here soon."
Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but
I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. You'll be reassured to
know that I've made a speciality of babies, especially
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold
on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I
both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two
in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple
on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows
the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a
good one everytime, but if we try several locations
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card
says, "I aim to please."
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at
ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in
five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby
pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or
not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins
in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never
worked under such impossible conditions. People were
crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
Ms Smith: "A good look?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The
mother got so excited she started bouncing around,
squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate.
I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By
that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my
shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I
just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh,
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I
consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting
my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one
in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my
equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me
to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith? Ms Smith? My word,
I have two daughters born one year apart, and they appear to be about the same age now. They were working in a restaurant, and they have a strong resemblence to each other. Recently, an older couple came in. The gentleman was serious when he asked the older girl if the other was her daughter! Being very fast with her wit, she turned to this guy's wife, and said "I can't believe your father said that to me."
Bad Parenting Skills
This came in an e-mail. NOTE: (added later) This came from a fellow member of a wildlife rehab group, so I'm sure that the babies were pulled out and reunited with mama -- mama ducks never abandon their babies.
Last edited by CJ Swartz; 08-20-2004 at 07:32 PM.
rondon, I wouldn't think it was funny either, except it came from another member of a wildlife rehab group I belong to, and I'm sure that someone plucked the babies up and put mama and babies somewhere safer. It's like one of those life moments we all go through -- it's funny AFTER we have lived thru it with no permanent damage!
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