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#61
07-25-2002, 07:55 AM
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| "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." "Well, o.k.,but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them "dropped" in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo." "It was my first day with the hook." |
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#62
07-29-2002, 06:53 PM
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| Wife: We've got three flies in the house. Husband: Not any more. I just killed them. One female and two males. Wife: How in the world can you tell that? Husband: Easy, two were on a beer can and the other one was on the phone. |
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#63
07-30-2002, 03:12 AM
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| Jane just got out of the shower, and her husband, Jack, just got in the shower. Jane was still drying off when the doorbell rang. Since Jack was already in the shower, Jane wrapped the towel around her to answer the door. It was their neighbor, Phil. Phil: Is Jack around? Jane: He's in the shower. Phil: Tell you what -- I'll give you $500.00 if you'll drop that towel! Jane: Yeah, right. Phil: (reaching in his billfold, retreiving $500.00) Here it is. I'lll give it to you if you drop it. Jane: Are you serious? Phil: Yep. Just drop it for one full minute. Jane drops the towel, Phil gets an eyefull, hands her $500.00, then leaves with a smile on his face. Jack: Who was at the door? Jane: Just Phil. Jack: Oh good. He told me he was going to bring that $500.00 he owed me! |
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#64
07-30-2002, 03:30 AM
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| If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. |
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#65
07-30-2002, 11:14 AM
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| Al, That's so funny unfortunately it's not a joke.  Guess, we'll have to start investing in consumables. Ed, Now as I see it, Phil still owes the original $500 he borrowed. Could be a tough case to win in court though. That was cute.DJ |
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#66
08-12-2002, 03:29 AM
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| A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". |
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#67
08-12-2002, 09:46 AM
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| Secrets of a Happy Marriage FOUR SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE: Note: Edited to be gender neutral.  1. It is important to find someone who likes to do cooking and cleaning. 2. It is important to find someone that makes good money. 3. It is important to find someone that likes to have sex -- with you. 4. It is important that these three people never meet! ------------------ I lucked out and found one person who meets all of the above qualifications + has a great sense of humor. |
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#68
08-13-2002, 02:52 AM
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| An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." |
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#69
08-21-2002, 08:19 PM
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| This isn't a joke, but a true happening. When we first bought the house (11 years ago) we're in now, we had an elderly couple living across the street from us. They were both in their late 80's, and I helped them around the house whenever I could. One day I was talking to Jack, and I asked him how he was doing. "I don't feel very good today" he said. He continued talking, and he told me about the time when he spent a short while in a nursing home to recover from a surgery. He was now 91 years old. He told me that it wasn't only old people in nursing homes. Sometimes there are young people who have to be there too. He told me about a young woman who was blind, and had other physical problems, and she was in the nursing home he was in. He told me he felt really bad for her because she was "nothing but a kid. Couldn't have been a day over 65!" Ed |
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#70
08-24-2002, 12:20 AM
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| I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don' t like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?" He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out." "Lost at Sea" Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." Just so you all know, I'm a happily married (13yrs) American/Irishman  |
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#71
08-24-2002, 11:33 PM
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| Thought this one was cute. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup... I wanna be a bear. |
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#73
09-01-2002, 04:31 PM
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| Anybody remember JAWS? This is a cute manipulation circulating in e-mail if you haven't seen it yet... Last edited by DannyRaphael; 09-02-2002 at 10:18 AM. |
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#74
09-01-2002, 10:23 PM
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| OOOOOH that is really realistic. Could you imagine what would be going through the mind of that guy on the ladder? I would be loosing all bodily controls for sure. Yikes! DJ |
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#75
09-06-2002, 06:12 AM
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| Jesse and Frank James were robbing a train. When they got near the back of the car, there sat John with his gorgeous wife by his side. Jesse told John he'd relieve him of his cash and his watch. And after that, he was going to kiss his wife. John said "You can have my cash and watch, but you're not going to kiss my wife". To which his wife replied, "You let Jesse rob this train"! Ed |
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#77
09-06-2002, 02:47 PM
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| ETERNAL TRUTHS 1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 7. Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff. 8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color. 9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 13. Some days are a total waste of makeup. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself |
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#78
09-11-2002, 09:23 PM
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| My Aunt Bebo sent me this today (we were both born in Kentucky). 1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them. 2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess". 3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder". 4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly." 5.) Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table. 6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. 7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!) 8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. 9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. 10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. 11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. 12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless. 13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines"; and when we're "in line", we talk to everybody! 14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. 15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all." 16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. 17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. 18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! 19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. 20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way |
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#84
09-29-2002, 03:48 PM
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| this ia an oldie but a goodie. So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of cuss words that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" |
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#85
10-04-2002, 02:30 AM
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| So, the owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him: he's afraid to cough!" |
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#86
10-04-2002, 10:21 AM
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| 1: A guy goes running into a busy doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, ya gotta help me! I'm shrinking!". The doctor looks up sternly and says "I'm sorry sir, you'll just have to be a little patient." 2: A guy with two hotdogs stuffed in his ears, mashed potatoes crammed up his nose, and gravy dripping off his scalp goes running into a doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?!!!!!!". The doctor looks up and says "Well obviously sir, you're not eating right." |
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#87
10-04-2002, 11:14 AM
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| A guy goes to a psychiatrist and yells "I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee!" The psychiatrist says "You're obviously two tents". |
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#88
10-04-2002, 12:07 PM
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| I saw this the other day and thought I would share.......Enjoy WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS ................................................................ Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." .............................................................. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." ................................................................. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." ................................................................... Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." ..................................................................... Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." ...................................................................... Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." ............................................................................ Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." .................................................................... Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." ..................................................................... Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." ...................................................................... Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." .................................................................... Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." ...................................................... Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" ...................................................................... Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." ..................................................................... Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye." __________________ |
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#89
10-04-2002, 02:02 PM
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| Two of the above reminded me of another one. A guy with a strip of bacon hanging from each ear, and a fried egg on his head, walks into the office of a psychiatrist, and says "Doc, I gotta talk to you about my brother". |
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#90
10-04-2002, 06:32 PM
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| I just saw this: I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there stood a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked geek. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. I then said, "How about a donut, tubby?" Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But of course, I didn't care one way or the other. My car was parked around the corner. I can think of people that i would like to do that to!!!!!! Mike |
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