The Room 808 was priceless and I'm still laughing about that one, but I got a kick out of the flyswatter one too and passed that on to Mom. There are so few jokes that I feel I can share with Mom
Take care, Margaret
My New Coat
Perhaps not for mom...
you shld check out satellite internet connections. i had it for a few years before dsl moved in. it's actually faster on the downlink side than dsl or cable. the uplink is little better than 56k, but the downlink side is screaming fast. the maximum downlink speed is roughly 5000 megabits per second. the price is more expensive than dsl or cable. i was paying around $70 a month, but it was worth it for all the downloading i used to do. i once downloading a 100 megabyte file in about 4 minutes. i think directv is currently the provider that bought out my old company, pegasus. so, you could contact them and find out.
you may also have a wireless provider in the area. those can be pretty good also. i had one for a few months. it was ok. not as good as the dsl i currently have, but ok.
Hope u like this one
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. One day
they met up and discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how
Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well
any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It
took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she
wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I
am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home, so I
rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald,"
she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your
mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls
Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become
to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict
control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for
plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting;
2. it is a major component in acid rain;
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state;
4. accidental inhalation can kill you;
5. it contributes to erosion;
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes;
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said
yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was "WATER", H2O.
Advice for the ladies:
Five tips for a woman...
It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
It is important that a man makes you laugh.
It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Thought this was right for the season:
Thank You to all of ... My E-mail Friends
There is much to be thankful for during the Holiday Season, so of course we can take this time to appreciate and say "Thanks" to the many e-mails we receive from friends and family throughout the year.
Thanks to All of You –
I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I want to thank you, who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola, learning it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists, who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl, who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, and I will now return the favor!
**If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
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|Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II||Doug Nelson||Salon||85||01-30-2012 02:02 PM|