A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the manager of the ice rink!"
Guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ..
My sister ALSO votes!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
He ALSO votes!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
My friend ALSO votes!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". .
SHE ALSO votes!
I have a friend who is a cop. He actually did the fridge thig only with an old ugly desk. No one would cart it away when it was free so he put it back into his garage for a week or so and then back out with a for sale sign on it and it was gone in the morning. The guy who lived across the street came over first thing in the morning and informed him that it had been stolen......
If you are in business, you need to remember things like this when you are dreaming up some kind of "free" offer or special, like "buy 2 for full price, get the 3rd for double".
I just remembered a time - I'm not blond, never have been - I was grocery shopping and saw that cantalolpes were 25¢ each. This was years ago. I thought that was too expensive.
The next week, they were 3 for a dollar and that sounded better so I bought some.
One of the MANY things my late husband would never let me forget.
St. Valentine's Day
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's Day is named after a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden ?", her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines can kill the s.o.b."
Give it a try
Count the "F's" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
Managed it ?
Scroll down only after you have counted them, okay?
How many did you count? 3 ?
Wrong, there are 6 !!--no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning behind it is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what ? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on thefirst go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends-it drives them crazy
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|Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II||Doug Nelson||Salon||85||01-30-2012 02:02 PM|