[Sam]

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies ... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. The oars are whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that’s impossible!" stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let’s row over to my place." she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can’t take any more coconut juice."

"It’s not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing!" he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know ..."

She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. "You mean ..", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here..?"

[Sam]

Sorry that was so long ... Here's a shorter one (well, slightly!)


Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
20. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

[Ed_L]

This thread's getting buried! So here's another one.

John lived in Alaska for most of his life. He lived in the city, and had a very good business. But one day he decided to just sell the business, then move out in the wildreness because it's something he always wanted to do. He found a little house on several hundred acres. It had been six months since he even saw another human being except for the times when he had to make a trip to town for supplies. One day in mid December, there was a knock on the door. When he opened the door, there stood another man who said "Hi. I'm George, your nearest neighbor. I live about 10 miles down the road, and I'm going to have a Christmas party this coming Saturday night. Would you like to come? "Sure thing!" said John. George warned him that there would be some drinking going on. John said that was okay by him. He was ready for a party. George said there might even be some fighting. John replied that he got along well with just about anybody, and he wasn't worried about it. George said "Well, there's going to be sex for sure". John said "Bring it on!. I haven't even seen anyone for six months. I'm definitely ready!". George said okay it was settled then, and told him to be at his place about 8 o'clock. John said "Do you want me to bring something?" George said "That's up to you. It's just gonna be you and me!"

Ed

[Jakaleena]

It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria". They were singing it
beautifully.
Oddly,each one of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping
it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonder to the performance
and then approched the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said.
This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard. "Yes,I very proud of
them,"said the conductor."You should take them on tour," said the
visitor,"what are they
called?" "Surly that's obvious," replied the condutor...."They're the
"Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir."

[Paul]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
New York.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Sorry, I couldn't help myself

[Ed_L]

Hey Paul! Welcome to the site. I see you've found one of the most important threads already. Thanks for the early morning chuckle. Just what I needed to start the day.

Ed

[Mike Needham]

Oh my!! Jak that joke is now doing the rounds all over Cheltenham, that truly is one of the funniest I have heard in a while - simple yet great.

[Wanda Schwind]

Paul, I'm still laughing Too funny, thanks, I needed a good
laugh. Of course my husband thought it was funny too, then I had to act like it wasn't

Ed, don't believe everything my husband says.

Wanda

[BigAl]

A Great New Excercise Program

For a really great fitness routine, try the following.

For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I
thought I might let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen, three days a week or so.

I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could.

After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally 100-lb. potato sacks.

Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

[DJ Dubovsky]

Now that's an exercise program even I can follow. Oh that is too funny Al.
DJ

[Ed_L]

175 years ago, two nude statues were erected in Central Park. The man was on one side of a walkway, while the woman was on the other. One day an angel came down and said "God told me you two have been standing here for 175 years just looking at each other. He told me to give you 20 minutes of animation, and to let you do anything you would like for the 20 minutes. Now go!" The angel sat on a bench while the two now animated statues ran behind some bushes. He could hear them giggling, and just having a good time. There was no doubt in his mind what was going on. After 10 minutes they came out. The angel said "You've got 10 more minutes if you want to do it again". They smiled at each other, then ran behind the bushes once again. This time the angel heard the female say "Okay, it's your turn to hold the piegon, and I'll crap on his head!"

Ed

[Paul]

Good one Ed, how bad do you think we can get before we get shut down ??


An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.
The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Could I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line" the woman replied.


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

One of these days I'll have to do some Photoshopping!!

[Jakaleena]

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally,
his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would
you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Sanda]

you guys crack me up. can't stop laughing here.

[BigAl]

Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the city.

The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts."

There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath".