Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

[angue]

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the
similar one in back."


4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."


5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -
but none of them really that serious."


6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again."


7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact
you can see it all over their faces."


8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."


9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field."


10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[Sam]

Answer Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute.

"Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Please stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up - all our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Paul]

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."


State Mottoes ...


Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat


Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen On TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't BoTher

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier And With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids


Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave your Money)

Idaho:
Potatoes And Neonazis - What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce The "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
Where Science Don't Mean Sh** (no doubt a reference to recent decision to not allow evolution to be taught in schools!)

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,That's Just Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come - Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores And Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney.

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-jawed Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men And Sheep Are Nervous

[Jakaleena]

Found this on a newsgroup posting just now. The poster said it an oldie, but I hadn't seen it before - I nearly fell off my chair laffin'...

I am the very model of a Usenet personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm plain and simple, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for all my plain simplicity.

[VisualEyes]

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices
murmuring.

He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle
and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling
before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and
asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?

[Ed_L]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team
got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"



---

[Trimoon]

Here is a Link for you all… I got a chuckle out of it.

TUGBOAT

[BigAl]

[BigAl: this is not really a joke, it could prolly fit on a number of recent software and hardware threads]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second line, and 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan.


The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist

*****

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

*****

Program aborting.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

*****

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

*****

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

*****

Your file was too big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

*****

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

*****

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

*****

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

*****

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

*****

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

*****

Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.

*****

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

*****

[Mike]

I know some who wish this was the way it was:

"You have the right to swing first, if you do excercise your right to swing first, you have the right to a Doctor, Priest or Rabbi present during the time you are swinging first. If you cannot afford a Doctor, one will be appointed for you during the retailiation part of this exercise. You have the right to stop swinging at any time. If you do stop swinging, and there is no wittness present, I may decide to keep on acting in self defence purely for my protection. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you? Do you wish to swing first or shall I?

[angue]

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[Doug Nelson]

A sheepdog walks into the telegraph office, fills out a sending form, and hands it to the operator.

It says "Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof."

The operator says "You know there's a minimum, so adding one more woof won't cost you anything extra".

The sheepdog says "But that wouldn't make any sense at all."

[BigAl]

Received this under the derogatory heading "blonde mathematics".

[Sanda]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the
FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was
in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf`s nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa`s weight and balance calculations for sled`s enormous
payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa`s surprise, a shotgun.

"What`s that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I`m not supposed to tell you this, but
you`re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[collinf]

You guys have had me laughing so long I though I'd add one of my own:

A fancy dress party was being held by the local church.
The usual Tarts and Vicars attended as well as a good smattering of Pirates, cavemen and other such costumes.
In walks a middle aged man dressed in green suit with a naked woman on his back. A few eyebrows were raised as the man casually walked around, talking to people with this naked woman clinging to his back.

Eventually the Vicar who organised the party approached the man and asked what his costume was.

'I've come as a Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtle' explained the man, with the woman still clinging to his back.

'Oh really' said the Vicar 'and, who may i ask is this lady on your back'

'Oh, her?' replied the man............

'She's Michelle'

[collinf]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a hare jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the hare jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the hare. Much to his dismay, the hare is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man about his problem. "I feel terrible," he explains "I accidentally hit this hare and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the hare.

! The hare jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten metres away the hare stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten metres, turns and waves, hops another ten metres, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He naturally asks the woman, "What's in that can? What did you spray on that hare?"

The blonde woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.



It says........................................





(Are you ready for this?)





(You know you're going to be sorry.)




It says, "Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

I'll get my coat

[Trimoon]

Had a funny thing happen a few months ago . I stopped at a convenience store to get a soda. It was a hot day. I went inside and asked the lady waiting in line if the car outside with the boy in the backseat was hers. She replied, “Yes. Why? What’s wrong?” I said to her, “He’s trying to pee and I’m afraid he doesn’t have the window down quite enough.” She screamed and ran out the door. As I was finishing my purchase, she was in line trying to purchase a roll of paper towels.

P.S. New Car

[CJ Swartz]

Have you put up your tree yet?

[Paul]

For the girls................

Women's T-Shirt Slogans ...

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

And your point is...?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

I'm out of oestrogen, and I have a gun.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.



For the guys...........

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."


For Canadians...........

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.

"How are you three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

When they board the train, the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"



For everyone..............

A busy mother was trying to pack for vacation. Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this!" and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, the mom reached out and stuck her daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a totally devastated look on her face.

She said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

The little girl said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

Sláinte

[angue]

I just heard this:

A shopper walks to the pet shop register and asks the employee, "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me why that parrot costs $5,000 dollars?"

The employee says, "Oh that parrot is extremely special, it's one of a kind, not only is it beautiful but it is bilingual."

The man gives the employee a strange look and says, "No way, there's no animal that could ever learn how to speak two languages!"

The employee smiles and says, "Follow me I'll prove it."
"Now go ahead pull on his right leg." The man pulls on the parrots right leg.

The parrot says, "Hello how are you?".
The man smiles and says, "Wow, cool, that's amazing!"
The employee then says, "Go ahead pull on the left leg."
So the man pulls on the parrots left leg.
The parrot says, "Hola como estas?"
The man was so excited and overwhelmed and he says, "wow that is the coolest thing I've ever seen, please you've got to tell me what happens if I pull both of his legs?"

The parrot turns and looks at the man and says, "Pues, I fall down pendejo!"


Tony

[CJ Swartz]

God:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.

St. Francis:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God:
Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

St. Francis:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut
it....sometimes two times a week.

God:
They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis:
Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis:
No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God:
Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis:
Yes, sir.

God:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis:
You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God:
What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say do myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis:
You'd better sit down Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God:
No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis:
After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God:
And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis:
They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

God:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine:
"Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....

God:
Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

[LQQKER]

A West Virginia state trooper was parked behind a billboard waiting to give someone a ticket. Within a few moments, an old pick-up truck drove by, traveling at an extremely fast rate. The cop turned on his siren and proceeded to pull over the truck. When he approached the truck, the driver, Billy Bob, rolled down his window. In a firm voice the trooper asked “got any ID”? To which Billy Bob replied “bout what?”

[collinf]

Luke and Vader are in the middle of a furious lightsabre duel, the outcome of which will decide the fate of the galaxy. The fight has raged backwards and forwards for several minutes, but at last it appears that Luke has the upper hand. Another few strokes and he has Vader pinned up against a wall.
Suddenly, Vader rasps, "I know what you're getting for Christmas."
"No!" screams Luke. "That's not true! That's impossible!"
Vader takes advantage of Luke's momentary distraction to bat his lightsabre aside and launch a new attack. Luke ends up on the defensive for a while, but eventually he regains his composure and, as is the way of such things, good begins to prevail again. Before long he has beaten Vader to the floor.
"I know what you're getting for Christmas," says Vader again. But Luke isn't going to be taken in by the same trick twice, and Vader gets no opportunity to try another comeback.
"How?" Luke demands instead. "How could you possibly know that?"
And Vader says, "I felt your presents."

[collinf]

Luke and Obi Wan are sat in a Chinese restaurant.

They both order Chicken Chow-Mein. When the meal arrives, Obi-Wan picks up and uses the provided chopsticks like the "seasoned" professional that he is.

Luke collects his chop-sticks, fumbles with them for a few minutes and finally picks up some chow-mein. He's just moving it towards his mouth when he slips and drops it down his front, obviously making a nasty mess on his tunic. Obi Wan hangs his head, tuts and sends Luke to clean up.

He goes to the bathroom and cleans himself up, returns to his table, and determined not to be beaten by two pieces of wood, tries again. Again, he fumbles with the chop sticks for two or three minutes and then collects some chow-mein.

Predictably, he once again throws the chow-mein down his front. Obi-Wan tuts, hangs his head and breathes deeply for a couple of seconds.

"Master," says Luke, "how do you eat with these things?"

"Luke my young Padowan, one day you will learn the secret of the chopstick. For the moment, "

He pauses for effect, possibly longer than necessary.

Taking a deep breath he says

"Use the forks, Luke".

[themanda]

I go to school online in the evenings, and have been knocking myself out over Algebra for the past five weeks. My poor kid has put up with a lot of complaining from me, and also a lot of his own complaining because I've been on the computer and doing homework soooo much.

So last Thursday was the last day of class, and I had a big final exam due. It was very tough, very involved, and very difficult. I'd been working on it for three hours off an on, and was getting very close to being done. I was sitting in the office, troubling over a problem when my five year old son came in to "check on me".

He was flipping through my text book, looking at all of the pictures of graphs and charts. Every now and then, there would be a picture of a forest or a lake or a person or something. He flipped one page open to find a large picture of Norman Bates' mother from "Psycho" glaring at him in horrible glory. He blanched and dropped the page.

"See, Momma." he said in total seriousness. "Algebra will kill you."

[CJ Swartz]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. "But how 'bout my friend?"

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

[Ed_L]

The California condor, a large bird, was on the brink of extinction, but has recently shown some success of being restored to better days.
Billy Joe Bob took a hike up into the mountains, where he spotted a California condor very close by. Billy Joe Bob raised his gun, and shot the magnificent bird, killing it. He proceeded to cut the head and wings off before putting the remainder on an open fire to cook. He took a few bites, when, as luck would have it, the man with the badge just happened by. Billy Joe Bob was immediately arrested, and taken to town.
At his court hearing, the judge asked him why he would shoot a bird that was on the endangered species list. Billy Joe Bob told the judge that he was lost in the mountains, and hadn't had anything to eat for four days. After listening to his story, the judge said that even though he was technically guilty as charged, he understood the reasons why he would do something like that, and the finding was "not guilty".
As Billy Joe Bob started to leave the courtroom, the judge called mister Bob back. In a rather loud whisper, he said "I've always wondered what a California condor would taste like. How was it?" Billy Joe Bob replied "Well, it was kind of like a cross between a bald eagle and a whooping crane."

[Sanda]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above ground level. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north, 59 and 60 degrees west"
" You must be an engineer" said the balloonist". "I am," said the woman, "how did you know that?"
"Well", answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be in management". "I am," he replied "but how did you know that?".

"Well", said the woman" you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

[Paul]

HERE'S A THOUGHT PROVOKING TALE !!!!!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that drivel .... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked THE S**T out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the s**t out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

[BigAl]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mom, look what I found", the boy called out.
" What have you got there, dear?" said his mother.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".

[CJ Swartz]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.