Here's a cute one
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.
Not only funny, but true! I'm going out to get drunk. And I haven't had a drink for 23 years!
Guys, these jokes are soooooooo funny I feel like an idiot sitting here laughing all by myself, shhhhhh.... don't tell anyone My husband works until midnight, your jokes are most appreciated. Ed, I never have a blanket, my husband always has the damn blanket, he'll deny it to the end
He already told me that it's you who gets all the blanket! You're not laughing all by yourself. You're just not sitting next to the rest of us. This has been a good thread.
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies ... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. The oars are whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that’s impossible!" stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Ed is stunned.
"Let’s row over to my place." she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can’t take any more coconut juice."
"It’s not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"WOW! This woman is amazing!" he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know ..."
She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. "You mean ..", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here..?"
Last edited by Sam; 07-11-2002 at 11:23 PM.
Sorry that was so long ... Here's a shorter one (well, slightly!)
Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
20. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
This thread's getting buried! So here's another one.
John lived in Alaska for most of his life. He lived in the city, and had a very good business. But one day he decided to just sell the business, then move out in the wildreness because it's something he always wanted to do. He found a little house on several hundred acres. It had been six months since he even saw another human being except for the times when he had to make a trip to town for supplies. One day in mid December, there was a knock on the door. When he opened the door, there stood another man who said "Hi. I'm George, your nearest neighbor. I live about 10 miles down the road, and I'm going to have a Christmas party this coming Saturday night. Would you like to come? "Sure thing!" said John. George warned him that there would be some drinking going on. John said that was okay by him. He was ready for a party. George said there might even be some fighting. John replied that he got along well with just about anybody, and he wasn't worried about it. George said "Well, there's going to be sex for sure". John said "Bring it on!. I haven't even seen anyone for six months. I'm definitely ready!". George said okay it was settled then, and told him to be at his place about 8 o'clock. John said "Do you want me to bring something?" George said "That's up to you. It's just gonna be you and me!"
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria". They were singing it
Oddly,each one of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping
it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonder to the performance
and then approched the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said.
This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard. "Yes,I very proud of
them,"said the conductor."You should take them on tour," said the
visitor,"what are they
called?" "Surly that's obvious," replied the condutor...."They're the
"Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir."
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Sorry, I couldn't help myself
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|Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II||Doug Nelson||Salon||85||01-30-2012 02:02 PM|