Salon - - Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please) - Page 5

Jakaleena · #61 07-25-2002, 06:55 AM

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k.,but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them "dropped" in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Ed_L · #62 07-29-2002, 05:53 PM

Wife: We've got three flies in the house.

Husband: Not any more. I just killed them. One female and two males.

Wife: How in the world can you tell that?

Husband: Easy, two were on a beer can and the other one was on the phone.

Ed_L · #63 07-30-2002, 02:12 AM

Jane just got out of the shower, and her husband, Jack, just got in the shower. Jane was still drying off when the doorbell rang. Since Jack was already in the shower, Jane wrapped the towel around her to answer the door. It was their neighbor, Phil.

Phil: Is Jack around?

Jane: He's in the shower.

Phil: Tell you what -- I'll give you $500.00 if you'll drop that towel!

Jane: Yeah, right.

Phil: (reaching in his billfold, retreiving $500.00) Here it is. I'lll give it to you if you drop it.

Jane: Are you serious?

Phil: Yep. Just drop it for one full minute.

Jane drops the towel, Phil gets an eyefull, hands her $500.00, then leaves with a smile on his face.

Jack: Who was at the door?

Jane: Just Phil.

Jack: Oh good. He told me he was going to bring that $500.00 he owed me!

BigAl · #64 07-30-2002, 02:30 AM

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

DJ Dubovsky · #65 07-30-2002, 10:14 AM

Al,
That's so funny unfortunately it's not a joke.

Guess, we'll have to start investing in consumables.

Ed,
Now as I see it, Phil still owes the original $500 he borrowed. Could be a tough case to win in court though.

That was cute.
DJ

BigAl · #66 08-12-2002, 02:29 AM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

DannyRaphael · #67 08-12-2002, 08:46 AM

FOUR SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE:
Note: Edited to be gender neutral.

1. It is important to find someone who likes to do cooking and cleaning.

2. It is important to find someone that makes good money.

3. It is important to find someone that likes to have sex -- with you.

4. It is important that these three people never meet!

------------------

I lucked out and found one person who meets all of the above qualifications + has a great sense of humor.

BigAl · #68 08-13-2002, 01:52 AM

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

Ed_L · #69 08-21-2002, 07:19 PM

This isn't a joke, but a true happening. When we first bought the house (11 years ago) we're in now, we had an elderly couple living across the street from us. They were both in their late 80's, and I helped them around the house whenever I could. One day I was talking to Jack, and I asked him how he was doing. "I don't feel very good today" he said. He continued talking, and he told me about the time when he spent a short while in a nursing home to recover from a surgery. He was now 91 years old. He told me that it wasn't only old people in nursing homes. Sometimes there are young people who have to be there too. He told me about a young woman who was blind, and had other physical problems, and she was in the nursing home he was in. He told me he felt really bad for her because she was "nothing but a kid. Couldn't have been a day over 65!"

Ed

Paul · #70 08-23-2002, 11:20 PM

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don' t like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."

"Lost at Sea"

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Just so you all know, I'm a happily married (13yrs) American/Irishman

DJ Dubovsky · #71 08-24-2002, 10:33 PM

Thought this one was cute.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself
stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the
size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely
deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If
your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could
deal with that

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat.

Yup... I wanna be a bear.

Jakaleena · #72 08-24-2002, 11:41 PM

Yeah, DJ!!!!!

Ok, all together now...

I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!

(no guys, that's bear, not beer...)

DannyRaphael · #73 09-01-2002, 03:31 PM

This is a cute manipulation circulating in e-mail if you haven't seen it yet...

DJ Dubovsky · #74 09-01-2002, 09:23 PM

OOOOOH that is really realistic. Could you imagine what would be going through the mind of that guy on the ladder? I would be loosing all bodily controls for sure. Yikes!
DJ

Ed_L · #75 09-06-2002, 05:12 AM

Jesse and Frank James were robbing a train. When they got near the back of the car, there sat John with his gorgeous wife by his side. Jesse told John he'd relieve him of his cash and his watch. And after that, he was going to kiss his wife. John said "You can have my cash and watch, but you're not going to kiss my wife". To which his wife replied, "You let Jesse rob this train"!

Ed