Oh my!! Jak that joke is now doing the rounds all over Cheltenham, that truly is one of the funniest I have heard in a while - simple yet great.
Paul, I'm still laughing Too funny, thanks, I needed a good
laugh. Of course my husband thought it was funny too, then I had to act like it wasn't
Ed, don't believe everything my husband says.
A Great New Excercise Program
For a really great fitness routine, try the following.
For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I
thought I might let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen, three days a week or so.
I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could.
After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally 100-lb. potato sacks.
Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
175 years ago, two nude statues were erected in Central Park. The man was on one side of a walkway, while the woman was on the other. One day an angel came down and said "God told me you two have been standing here for 175 years just looking at each other. He told me to give you 20 minutes of animation, and to let you do anything you would like for the 20 minutes. Now go!" The angel sat on a bench while the two now animated statues ran behind some bushes. He could hear them giggling, and just having a good time. There was no doubt in his mind what was going on. After 10 minutes they came out. The angel said "You've got 10 more minutes if you want to do it again". They smiled at each other, then ran behind the bushes once again. This time the angel heard the female say "Okay, it's your turn to hold the piegon, and I'll crap on his head!"
Good one Ed, how bad do you think we can get before we get shut down ??
An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.
The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Could I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line" the woman replied.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
One of these days I'll have to do some Photoshopping!!
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally,
his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would
you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the city.
The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts."
There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath".
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|Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II||Doug Nelson||Salon||85||01-30-2012 02:02 PM|