[BigAl]

V. subtle Ed I had to read it 3x to get the punchline

[gland]

ETERNAL TRUTHS
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.
8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

[Jakaleena]

My Aunt Bebo sent me this today (we were both born in Kentucky).


1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess".

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder".

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

5.) Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road"
can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference
between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb,
or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't
do "queues", we do "lines"; and when we're "in line", we talk to
everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast
food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart" and go your own way

[G. Couch]

Those are great Jak! ...and all so true! Thanks for the chuckle on a dreary day.

[Ed_L]

Very good Jak. But you forgot about the "movin' picture show".

Ed

[Jakaleena]

Well lookie here who was the first one to appreciate that one. I declare...!

It was actually you I was thinkin' of when I put it up there, Greg.

[Jakaleena]

OMG - I forgot about the movin' picture show...

Too funny, Ed!

[G. Couch]

Originally posted by Jakaleena

It was actually you I was thinkin' of when I put it up there, Greg.

Well bless your heart!!

[Sanda]

this ia an oldie but a goodie.

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of cuss words that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[BigAl]

So, the owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him: he's afraid to cough!"

[VisualEyes]

1: A guy goes running into a busy doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, ya gotta help me! I'm shrinking!". The doctor looks up sternly and says "I'm sorry sir, you'll just have to be a little patient."

2: A guy with two hotdogs stuffed in his ears, mashed potatoes crammed up his nose, and gravy dripping off his scalp goes running into a doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?!!!!!!". The doctor looks up and says "Well obviously sir, you're not eating right."

[Doug Nelson]

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and yells "I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee!"

The psychiatrist says "You're obviously two tents".

[Mike]

I saw this the other day and thought I would share.......Enjoy


WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS
................................................................
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."
..............................................................
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
.................................................................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother
to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run
over Joe's Mom, too."
...................................................................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
.....................................................................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
......................................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
............................................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle."
....................................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
.....................................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
......................................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
....................................................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt."
......................................................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
......................................................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
.....................................................................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

__________________

[Ed_L]

Two of the above reminded me of another one.

A guy with a strip of bacon hanging from each ear, and a fried egg on his head, walks into the office of a psychiatrist, and says "Doc, I gotta talk to you about my brother".

[Mike]

I just saw this:


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out, there stood a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked geek. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the
first.

I then said, "How about a donut, tubby?"

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. But of course, I didn't care one way or the other. My
car was parked around the corner.


I can think of people that i would like to do that to!!!!!!
Mike