Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

[winwintoo]

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time!!!!!

[jeaniesa]

!

[Trimoon]

True story

A friend of mine by the name of Shirley, who has 5 kids, was trying to teach them the proper way to answer the phone. After much training, she was much pleased with her results. One day, I called Shirley and her youngest boy (eight) answered the phone.
I said,” Hello. Can I talk to your mom?” He politely said, “No, she’s not available right now. Could I take a message?” I said, “No, that’s okay. I’ll call back later.” And just as I started to hang up I heard the young man call out, “Wait a minute! I just heard her flush!” Then I heard this scream and the phone went dead. Later on, when I called back, and told her it was me who had called she sighed with relief. She said, “Thank God it was you and not somebody important!” Needless to say, she’s still a little reluctant to let the youngest one answer the phone.

Steve

[CJ Swartz]

True stories are still the BEST!

[Ed_L]

One night, a young man who had too much to drink knocked on Tom's door. Tom answered, and the man said "Hi, I'm Alex. Would you give me a shove?" Tom said "It's three o'clock in the morning! I'm not about to go out there now." On returning to bed, Tom's wife asked him who was at the door. Tom told her the story. She reminded Tom that their car had broken down about three weeks ago, and someone stopped to help them out. She told him he should help the poor man. Reluctantly, Tom got dressed and went outside. "Alex, are you still around?" he shouted. "I'm in the back yard" answered Alex. Tom walked back there to find Alex sitting on his kid's swing set. "Would you give me a shove?"

Ed

[Sanda]

A Kentucky phone company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Darrell, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, 'Darrell and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"

[Trimoon]

Thought you might like this one. Steve
http://www.cite-sciences.fr/english/...age/mona.html#">Click

[TwinANJ]

Steve....Now that was funny! The rest of the site has a lot of fun things to do and play with.

Thnx,
Jean

[Trimoon]

Girl with a Pearl Earring

[TwinbNJ]

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ------ ROTFLMAO

You are out of control --- love the new avitar!


Don't STOP !!!!!

[d_kendal]

I love the Mona Lisa, that's some excellent PS work!!

- David

[clare]

These individual quotes were taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. Supposedly genuine - got to admire them

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom......and has started again

2. His men would follow him anywhere......... but only out of morbid curiosity

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a 'has been', but more of a definitely 'won't be'.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy

9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

11. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

12. Got a full 6-pack, put lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

13. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

14. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

15. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

16. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

17. He's been working with glue to much.

18. He would argue with a signpost.

19. He has the knack for making strangers immediately.

20. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

21. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

22. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

23. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

24. A prime candidate for natural de-selection..

25. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

26. The gates are coming down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

27. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

28. If he were any more stupid, he?d have to be watered twice a week.

29. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

30. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.

31. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.

32. One neurone short of a synapse.

33. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

34. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

35. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[Toad]

Try this: Go to www.google.com. Type: weapons of mass destruction (no quotation marks). Do NOT click Google Search. Instead, click: I'm Feeling Lucky. Then read the error message.

[TwinbNJ]

Toad - that was funny - of course I had to go and type it in! LOL

Thanks!

Still smiling.

[Cheryl H]

A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed
as "she" and "her".
He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that
question,
he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women,
and the second of men.
Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in
the feminine gender,
or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their
recommendation.


The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in
the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

[annadarling]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.

Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[tyeise]

That's great, Annadarling! I'd seen something similar once before. Sometimes I wish I could change the error message for my customers, reminding them that there IS a life outside of computers!

[Trimoon]

Visit Google , type in "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

[annadarling]

and still LOL!! Worth the trip - thanks, Trimoon!

[CJ Swartz]

Dolphin Stress Test

[Ed_L]

That's a good site CJ. I didn't realize I was under so much stress.

Ed

[Trimoon]

I'm going to take a nap now.

[winwintoo]

REPEAT: DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK IF YOU ARE AT WORK!!

REPEAT: DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK IF YOU ARE AT WORK!!



You won't believe this one......definitely worth the click......I mean DO NOT miss this.....and let me know if this isn't your all time favorite.......

For those of you receiving at work.....be careful!_ I'd hate to be responsible for your sudden unemployment.......
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

[CJ Swartz]

Margaret -- you ARE a !!!



Ed -- if you think you're "stressed" after taking the "dolphin stress test" -- don't click on Winwintoo's link while your wife is in the house.

[TwinbNJ]

Margaret - now this is priceless! Ha Ha Ha Ha

[Ed_L]

Now I'm "really" stressed!

Ed

[winwintoo]

Law: Lawmakers are proposing a new law that will not allow anyone to come closer than 100 meters from a dead whale's carcass.

Explanation: This law was proposed after footage was shot of tourists going amongst a feeding frenzy of sharks on a dead whale carcass in order to pet the sharks. Lawmakers, in order to protect people too stupid to protect themselves, are attempting to pass this law restricting how far away one might come to a dead whale. There already is a law that restricts how close one may come to a live whale, but no such law for a dead whale.

Hmmmm

Margaret




http://www.dumblaws.com/explanations....php?LawID=191

[winwintoo]

Hello" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause Dad says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone."Well,
I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down
the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny
angle. I think she's dead."

"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all
scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming
pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the
water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool
and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."

There is a long pause, then Dad says, "Swimming pool... Is
this 854-7059?"

[Suzanne]

Mom and Dad are at wit's end with their son Johnny, who is constantly getting into trouble in grade school. His grades are terrible and besides that, every day it's a note from the teacher, conferences with the principal, detention...he's incorrigible and no sort of discipline seems to make any difference,

Finally they decide to send him to Catholic school and see if the nuns can do anything with the boy. After the first day, Harry comes home and his parents are thrilled that he has no notes from the teachers. The second day, passes, with the same result. The third day, the fourth day...a whole week passes with no discipline problems whatsoever, and besides that, his grades are impeccable.

The parents are amazed and finally ask Johnny what's going on. "Why are you doing so well at this school, when your grades were awful and never a day went by without your getting into trouble at your old school?" they ask him.

Johnny replies, "Well, when I walked into school on the first day and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

(Sorry if I offended anyone - I'm Catholic and this one still cracked me up!)

[Trimoon]

10 Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say:

10) "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
9) Duct tape won't fix that
8) Come to think of it I'll have a Heiniken's
7) Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
6) I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
5) My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
4) I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
3) Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't
seen.
2) I didn't know that could be fried.

And the #1 thing you've never heard a southerner say:

1) Checkmate.