[angue]

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the
similar one in back."


4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."


5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -
but none of them really that serious."


6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again."


7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact
you can see it all over their faces."


8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."


9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field."


10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[Sam]

Answer Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute.

"Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Please stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up - all our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Paul]

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."


State Mottoes ...


Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat


Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen On TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't BoTher

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier And With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids


Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave your Money)

Idaho:
Potatoes And Neonazis - What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce The "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
Where Science Don't Mean Sh** (no doubt a reference to recent decision to not allow evolution to be taught in schools!)

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,That's Just Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come - Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores And Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney.

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-jawed Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men And Sheep Are Nervous

[Jakaleena]

Found this on a newsgroup posting just now. The poster said it an oldie, but I hadn't seen it before - I nearly fell off my chair laffin'...

I am the very model of a Usenet personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm plain and simple, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for all my plain simplicity.

[VisualEyes]

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices
murmuring.

He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle
and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling
before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and
asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?

[Ed_L]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team
got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"



---

[Trimoon]

Here is a Link for you all… I got a chuckle out of it.

TUGBOAT

[BigAl]

[BigAl: this is not really a joke, it could prolly fit on a number of recent software and hardware threads]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second line, and 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan.


The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist

*****

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

*****

Program aborting.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

*****

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

*****

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

*****

Your file was too big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

*****

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

*****

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

*****

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

*****

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

*****

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

*****

Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.

*****

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

*****

[Mike]

I know some who wish this was the way it was:

"You have the right to swing first, if you do excercise your right to swing first, you have the right to a Doctor, Priest or Rabbi present during the time you are swinging first. If you cannot afford a Doctor, one will be appointed for you during the retailiation part of this exercise. You have the right to stop swinging at any time. If you do stop swinging, and there is no wittness present, I may decide to keep on acting in self defence purely for my protection. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you? Do you wish to swing first or shall I?

[angue]

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[Doug Nelson]

A sheepdog walks into the telegraph office, fills out a sending form, and hands it to the operator.

It says "Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof."

The operator says "You know there's a minimum, so adding one more woof won't cost you anything extra".

The sheepdog says "But that wouldn't make any sense at all."

[BigAl]

Received this under the derogatory heading "blonde mathematics".

[Sanda]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the
FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was
in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf`s nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa`s weight and balance calculations for sled`s enormous
payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa`s surprise, a shotgun.

"What`s that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I`m not supposed to tell you this, but
you`re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[collinf]

You guys have had me laughing so long I though I'd add one of my own:

A fancy dress party was being held by the local church.
The usual Tarts and Vicars attended as well as a good smattering of Pirates, cavemen and other such costumes.
In walks a middle aged man dressed in green suit with a naked woman on his back. A few eyebrows were raised as the man casually walked around, talking to people with this naked woman clinging to his back.

Eventually the Vicar who organised the party approached the man and asked what his costume was.

'I've come as a Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtle' explained the man, with the woman still clinging to his back.

'Oh really' said the Vicar 'and, who may i ask is this lady on your back'

'Oh, her?' replied the man............

'She's Michelle'

[collinf]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a hare jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the hare jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the hare. Much to his dismay, the hare is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man about his problem. "I feel terrible," he explains "I accidentally hit this hare and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the hare.

! The hare jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten metres away the hare stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten metres, turns and waves, hops another ten metres, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He naturally asks the woman, "What's in that can? What did you spray on that hare?"

The blonde woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.



It says........................................





(Are you ready for this?)





(You know you're going to be sorry.)




It says, "Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

I'll get my coat