[Trimoon]

Had a funny thing happen a few months ago . I stopped at a convenience store to get a soda. It was a hot day. I went inside and asked the lady waiting in line if the car outside with the boy in the backseat was hers. She replied, “Yes. Why? What’s wrong?” I said to her, “He’s trying to pee and I’m afraid he doesn’t have the window down quite enough.” She screamed and ran out the door. As I was finishing my purchase, she was in line trying to purchase a roll of paper towels.

P.S. New Car

[CJ Swartz]

Have you put up your tree yet?

[Paul]

For the girls................

Women's T-Shirt Slogans ...

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

And your point is...?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

I'm out of oestrogen, and I have a gun.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.



For the guys...........

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."


For Canadians...........

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.

"How are you three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

When they board the train, the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"



For everyone..............

A busy mother was trying to pack for vacation. Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this!" and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, the mom reached out and stuck her daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a totally devastated look on her face.

She said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

The little girl said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

Sláinte

[angue]

I just heard this:

A shopper walks to the pet shop register and asks the employee, "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me why that parrot costs $5,000 dollars?"

The employee says, "Oh that parrot is extremely special, it's one of a kind, not only is it beautiful but it is bilingual."

The man gives the employee a strange look and says, "No way, there's no animal that could ever learn how to speak two languages!"

The employee smiles and says, "Follow me I'll prove it."
"Now go ahead pull on his right leg." The man pulls on the parrots right leg.

The parrot says, "Hello how are you?".
The man smiles and says, "Wow, cool, that's amazing!"
The employee then says, "Go ahead pull on the left leg."
So the man pulls on the parrots left leg.
The parrot says, "Hola como estas?"
The man was so excited and overwhelmed and he says, "wow that is the coolest thing I've ever seen, please you've got to tell me what happens if I pull both of his legs?"

The parrot turns and looks at the man and says, "Pues, I fall down pendejo!"


Tony

[CJ Swartz]

God:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.

St. Francis:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God:
Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

St. Francis:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut
it....sometimes two times a week.

God:
They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis:
Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis:
No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God:
Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis:
Yes, sir.

God:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis:
You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God:
What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say do myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis:
You'd better sit down Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God:
No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis:
After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God:
And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis:
They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

God:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine:
"Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....

God:
Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

[LQQKER]

A West Virginia state trooper was parked behind a billboard waiting to give someone a ticket. Within a few moments, an old pick-up truck drove by, traveling at an extremely fast rate. The cop turned on his siren and proceeded to pull over the truck. When he approached the truck, the driver, Billy Bob, rolled down his window. In a firm voice the trooper asked “got any ID”? To which Billy Bob replied “bout what?”

[collinf]

Luke and Vader are in the middle of a furious lightsabre duel, the outcome of which will decide the fate of the galaxy. The fight has raged backwards and forwards for several minutes, but at last it appears that Luke has the upper hand. Another few strokes and he has Vader pinned up against a wall.
Suddenly, Vader rasps, "I know what you're getting for Christmas."
"No!" screams Luke. "That's not true! That's impossible!"
Vader takes advantage of Luke's momentary distraction to bat his lightsabre aside and launch a new attack. Luke ends up on the defensive for a while, but eventually he regains his composure and, as is the way of such things, good begins to prevail again. Before long he has beaten Vader to the floor.
"I know what you're getting for Christmas," says Vader again. But Luke isn't going to be taken in by the same trick twice, and Vader gets no opportunity to try another comeback.
"How?" Luke demands instead. "How could you possibly know that?"
And Vader says, "I felt your presents."

[collinf]

Luke and Obi Wan are sat in a Chinese restaurant.

They both order Chicken Chow-Mein. When the meal arrives, Obi-Wan picks up and uses the provided chopsticks like the "seasoned" professional that he is.

Luke collects his chop-sticks, fumbles with them for a few minutes and finally picks up some chow-mein. He's just moving it towards his mouth when he slips and drops it down his front, obviously making a nasty mess on his tunic. Obi Wan hangs his head, tuts and sends Luke to clean up.

He goes to the bathroom and cleans himself up, returns to his table, and determined not to be beaten by two pieces of wood, tries again. Again, he fumbles with the chop sticks for two or three minutes and then collects some chow-mein.

Predictably, he once again throws the chow-mein down his front. Obi-Wan tuts, hangs his head and breathes deeply for a couple of seconds.

"Master," says Luke, "how do you eat with these things?"

"Luke my young Padowan, one day you will learn the secret of the chopstick. For the moment, "

He pauses for effect, possibly longer than necessary.

Taking a deep breath he says

"Use the forks, Luke".

[themanda]

I go to school online in the evenings, and have been knocking myself out over Algebra for the past five weeks. My poor kid has put up with a lot of complaining from me, and also a lot of his own complaining because I've been on the computer and doing homework soooo much.

So last Thursday was the last day of class, and I had a big final exam due. It was very tough, very involved, and very difficult. I'd been working on it for three hours off an on, and was getting very close to being done. I was sitting in the office, troubling over a problem when my five year old son came in to "check on me".

He was flipping through my text book, looking at all of the pictures of graphs and charts. Every now and then, there would be a picture of a forest or a lake or a person or something. He flipped one page open to find a large picture of Norman Bates' mother from "Psycho" glaring at him in horrible glory. He blanched and dropped the page.

"See, Momma." he said in total seriousness. "Algebra will kill you."

[CJ Swartz]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. "But how 'bout my friend?"

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

[Ed_L]

The California condor, a large bird, was on the brink of extinction, but has recently shown some success of being restored to better days.
Billy Joe Bob took a hike up into the mountains, where he spotted a California condor very close by. Billy Joe Bob raised his gun, and shot the magnificent bird, killing it. He proceeded to cut the head and wings off before putting the remainder on an open fire to cook. He took a few bites, when, as luck would have it, the man with the badge just happened by. Billy Joe Bob was immediately arrested, and taken to town.
At his court hearing, the judge asked him why he would shoot a bird that was on the endangered species list. Billy Joe Bob told the judge that he was lost in the mountains, and hadn't had anything to eat for four days. After listening to his story, the judge said that even though he was technically guilty as charged, he understood the reasons why he would do something like that, and the finding was "not guilty".
As Billy Joe Bob started to leave the courtroom, the judge called mister Bob back. In a rather loud whisper, he said "I've always wondered what a California condor would taste like. How was it?" Billy Joe Bob replied "Well, it was kind of like a cross between a bald eagle and a whooping crane."

[Sanda]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above ground level. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north, 59 and 60 degrees west"
" You must be an engineer" said the balloonist". "I am," said the woman, "how did you know that?"
"Well", answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be in management". "I am," he replied "but how did you know that?".

"Well", said the woman" you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

[Paul]

HERE'S A THOUGHT PROVOKING TALE !!!!!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that drivel .... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked THE S**T out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the s**t out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

[BigAl]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mom, look what I found", the boy called out.
" What have you got there, dear?" said his mother.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".

[CJ Swartz]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.