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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

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  #71  
Old 08-24-2002, 11:33 PM
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DJ Dubovsky DJ Dubovsky is offline
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Location: Upper Penninsula of Michigan
Posts: 1,659
Thought this one was cute.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself
stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the
size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely
deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If
your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could
deal with that

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat.

Yup... I wanna be a bear.
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  #72  
Old 08-25-2002, 12:41 AM
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Jakaleena Jakaleena is offline
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Location: Phoenix, Arizona
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Yeah, DJ!!!!!

Ok, all together now...

I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!
I wanna be a bear!

(no guys, that's bear, not beer...)

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  #73  
Old 09-01-2002, 04:31 PM
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DannyRaphael DannyRaphael is offline
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Anybody remember JAWS?

This is a cute manipulation circulating in e-mail if you haven't seen it yet...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg watch out.jpg (27.9 KB, 133 views)

Last edited by DannyRaphael; 09-02-2002 at 10:18 AM.
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  #74  
Old 09-01-2002, 10:23 PM
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DJ Dubovsky DJ Dubovsky is offline
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OOOOOH that is really realistic. Could you imagine what would be going through the mind of that guy on the ladder? I would be loosing all bodily controls for sure. Yikes!
DJ
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  #75  
Old 09-06-2002, 06:12 AM
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Ed_L Ed_L is offline
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Location: northwest Indiana, about 45 minutes from Chicago, IL
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Jesse and Frank James were robbing a train. When they got near the back of the car, there sat John with his gorgeous wife by his side. Jesse told John he'd relieve him of his cash and his watch. And after that, he was going to kiss his wife. John said "You can have my cash and watch, but you're not going to kiss my wife". To which his wife replied, "You let Jesse rob this train"!

Ed
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  #76  
Old 09-06-2002, 07:37 AM
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BigAl BigAl is offline
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V. subtle Ed I had to read it 3x to get the punchline
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  #77  
Old 09-06-2002, 02:47 PM
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ETERNAL TRUTHS
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.
8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself
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  #78  
Old 09-11-2002, 09:23 PM
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Jakaleena Jakaleena is offline
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My Aunt Bebo sent me this today (we were both born in Kentucky).


1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess".

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder".

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

5.) Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road"
can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference
between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb,
or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't
do "queues", we do "lines"; and when we're "in line", we talk to
everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast
food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart" and go your own way
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  #79  
Old 09-11-2002, 09:40 PM
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G. Couch G. Couch is offline
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Location: Raleigh, NC
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Those are great Jak! ...and all so true! Thanks for the chuckle on a dreary day.
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  #80  
Old 09-11-2002, 09:44 PM
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Ed_L Ed_L is offline
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Location: northwest Indiana, about 45 minutes from Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,824
Very good Jak. But you forgot about the "movin' picture show".

Ed
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