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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

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  #81  
Old 09-11-2002, 09:47 PM
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Jakaleena Jakaleena is offline
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Well lookie here who was the first one to appreciate that one. I declare...!

It was actually you I was thinkin' of when I put it up there, Greg.
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  #82  
Old 09-11-2002, 09:48 PM
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Jakaleena Jakaleena is offline
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OMG - I forgot about the movin' picture show...

Too funny, Ed!
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  #83  
Old 09-11-2002, 09:49 PM
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G. Couch G. Couch is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jakaleena

It was actually you I was thinkin' of when I put it up there, Greg.
Well bless your heart!!
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  #84  
Old 09-29-2002, 03:48 PM
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Sanda Sanda is offline
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this ia an oldie but a goodie.

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of cuss words that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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  #85  
Old 10-04-2002, 02:30 AM
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BigAl BigAl is offline
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So, the owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him: he's afraid to cough!"
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  #86  
Old 10-04-2002, 10:21 AM
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VisualEyes VisualEyes is offline
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1: A guy goes running into a busy doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, ya gotta help me! I'm shrinking!". The doctor looks up sternly and says "I'm sorry sir, you'll just have to be a little patient."

2: A guy with two hotdogs stuffed in his ears, mashed potatoes crammed up his nose, and gravy dripping off his scalp goes running into a doctor's office shouting "Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?!!!!!!". The doctor looks up and says "Well obviously sir, you're not eating right."
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  #87  
Old 10-04-2002, 11:14 AM
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Doug Nelson Doug Nelson is offline
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A guy goes to a psychiatrist and yells "I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee!"

The psychiatrist says "You're obviously two tents".
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  #88  
Old 10-04-2002, 12:07 PM
Mike Mike is offline
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I saw this the other day and thought I would share.......Enjoy


WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS
................................................................
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."
..............................................................
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
.................................................................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother
to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run
over Joe's Mom, too."
...................................................................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
.....................................................................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
......................................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
............................................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle."
....................................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
.....................................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
......................................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
....................................................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt."
......................................................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
......................................................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
.....................................................................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

__________________
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  #89  
Old 10-04-2002, 02:02 PM
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Ed_L Ed_L is offline
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Two of the above reminded me of another one.

A guy with a strip of bacon hanging from each ear, and a fried egg on his head, walks into the office of a psychiatrist, and says "Doc, I gotta talk to you about my brother".
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  #90  
Old 10-04-2002, 06:32 PM
Mike Mike is offline
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I just saw this:


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out, there stood a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked geek. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the
first.

I then said, "How about a donut, tubby?"

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. But of course, I didn't care one way or the other. My
car was parked around the corner.


I can think of people that i would like to do that to!!!!!!
Mike
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