Chuckle for the day (jokes/humourous tales here please)

[winwintoo]

Now, Now, play nice!!

Margaret

ps. It's been my experience that credit cards wear out WAAAYYYY before I do

[Ed_L]

Unlike a woman, credit cards have limits.

Ed

[CJ Swartz]

There are two theories to arguing with women.


Neither one works.
-- anonymous

Chuck

[angue]

"If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?"

[Sanda]

serious computer problems?

[Sanda]

One day, while in New York, the pope decided that he wanted to drive, so he swapped places with his driver. He was a pretty good driver, but being unfamiliar with New York, ended up going the wrong way down a one way street, and was promptly pulled over.
A rookie cop that pulled him over was so flustered by who he pulled over, he called into the stationhouse.
"Sarge", he said, "I just pulled over somebody really, really important! What should I do?"
"Slow down a minute", said the Desk Seargent,"Is he more important than the mayor?"
"Definitely."
"Is he more important than the governer?"
"Certainly."
"You didn't pull over the president, did you?", he asked.
"Worse." replied the rookie.
"Who could be more important than the president?" asked the Desk Seargent, aghast.
"I don't know for sure," the rookie replied,"but his driver is the Pope!"

[CJ Swartz]

Sandra -- keep 'em coming!

[CJ Swartz]

You know you are living in the year 2003 when:


1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

4. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

5. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

6. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

7. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

8. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

9. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

[Sanda]

Police Officer

A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good", replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."

[Paul]

How To Bathe The Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside the bowl, the cat is really enjoying this.)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors where he will air dry.

Sincerely, The Dog

[ravenmd]

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm paws held tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour =BD pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

[ravenmd]

well.. hmm.. I had that pill one deep in the archives of my harddrive and just discovered it was posted not long ago on another thread. Oh well.. I can't keep track of everything. Sorry for the redundant post :

[Jeanmilden1]

OLD CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
_____________
Hi, This is my first day and I cannot tell you how many times I have been lost on this site - so decided to just relax and enjoy your humor - Hope this ends up in the right place! Jean

[CJ Swartz]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother.

Soon, 10 minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Another 20 minutes later, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" They demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"Because, "she told them, "I forgot where I put it."

[Jeanmilden1]

Subject: bad day?


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to in- vestigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
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Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

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YOURS IS STILL A BAD DAY, HUH ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
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WHAT ? STILL THINK YOUR DAY IS BAD?
Terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
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THERE NOW, FEELING BETTER ?