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Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

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  • Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

    A continuation of the original thread.

    And to launch things off:
    (via http://www.firelady40.com/over40.html)

    THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40

    Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

    1. Sag, You're it.

    2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

    3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

    4. Kick the bucket.

    5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

    6. Doc Goose.

    7. Simon says something incoherent.

    8. Hide and go pee.

    9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

    10. Musical recliners.

    Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

    1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

    2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
    you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

    3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

    4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
    you four hours of decent rest.

    5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

    Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoe and you're barefoot.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
    face.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have go along.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
    instead of by the police.
    Learn by teaching
    Take responsibility for learning

  • #2
    Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

    An American, an Irishman, and an Englishman are all stood at the top of the Empire State Building after having a serious night on the town.

    "You know, when you've had more than 15 pints of beer you can fly", says the American, and promptly climbs over the railings and flies round the building.

    "Wow" says the Irishman and climbs over himself. As he launches himself into space, instead of flying he plummets to the ground below.

    The Englishman turns to the American and says "You know you're a right b*****d when you're drunk Superman!"

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II



      English man, Irish man and Scott's man are standing at the edge of a cliff. All 3 are forced to jump off, but are granted a final wish.
      English man jumps off and shouts " I want to land in soft foam" and he gets his wish and walks away unhurt.
      Scott's man jumps off and shouts " I want to be able to fly" , and he flies off in to the sunset.
      Irish man jumps off and shouts " Ooooooooooooohhhhhh s**t"

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

        How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

        1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

        14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

        7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

        1 to move it to the Lighting section

        2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

        7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

        5 to flame the spell checkers

        3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

        6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

        2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

        15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

        19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

        11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

        36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

        7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

        4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

        3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

        13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

        5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

        4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

        13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

        1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

          How many Dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
          >>
          >>Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
          >>our
          >>whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
          >>burned out bulb?
          >>
          >>Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
          >>not up
          >>to code.
          >>
          >>Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
          >>
          >>Rottweiler: Make me.
          >>
          >>Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the
          >>dark.
          >>
          >>Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
          >>Can I?
          >>Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please,
          >>please!
          >>
          >>German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
          >>from
          >>the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just
          >>one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
          >>advantage
          >>of the situation.
          >>
          >>Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off
          >>the
          >>walls and furniture.
          >>
          >>Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a
          >>light
          >>bulb?
          >>
          >>Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
          >>dark.
          >>
          >>Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
          >>
          >>Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
          >>
          >>Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
          >>
          >>Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
          >>little
          >>circle...
          >>
          >>Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
          >>By
          >>the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
          >>
          >>The Cat's Answer:
          >>"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the
          >>real
          >>question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light,
          >>some dinner, and a massage?"
          >>
          >>ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS
          >>HAVE
          >>STAFF.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

            FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
            TO: All Employees

            DATE: October 01, 2003
            RE: Christmas Party

            I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

            Merry Christmas to you and your family.

            Patty

            ===============================================


            FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
            TO: All Employees

            DATE: October 02, 2003
            RE: Holiday Party

            In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other
            types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

            Happy Holidays to you and your family.

            Patty

            ===============================================


            FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
            TO: All Employees

            DATE: October 03, 2003
            RE: Holiday Party

            Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

            Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

            NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

            ===============================================



            FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
            To: All Employees

            DATE: October 04, 2003
            RE: Holiday Party

            What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

            Did I miss anything?!?!?

            Patty

            ===============================================

            FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
            TO: All PinHead Employees

            DATE: October 05, 2003
            RE: The Stinking Holiday Party

            Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your frigging salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

            The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

            ===============================================



            FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

            DATE: October 06, 2003

            RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

            I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
            off with full pay.

            Happy Holidays!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

              Deer Santa,
              I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
              all yeer.

              Yer Friend, Billy

              Dear Billy,
              Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
              about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving
              your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
              Santa

              ************************************************** ***
              Dear Santa,
              I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
              peace and joy in the world for everybody!
              Love, Sarah

              Dear Sarah,
              Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
              Santa

              ************************************************** **
              Dear Santa,
              I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
              my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
              Love, Teddy

              Dear Teddy,
              Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
              hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
              frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
              dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

              Santa


              ************************************************** **
              Dear Santa,
              I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
              dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
              Love, Francis

              Dear Francis,
              Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set
              you up with a Barbie.

              Santa


              ************************************************** **
              Dear Santa,
              I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
              carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
              Love, Susan

              Dear Susan,
              Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
              when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
              of Scotch.
              Santa
              ************************************************** **
              Dear Santa,
              What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
              making toys?
              Your friend, Thomas


              Dear Thomas,
              All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I
              spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
              drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
              while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

              Santa
              ************************************************** **
              Dear Santa,
              Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
              awake, like in the song?
              Love, Jessica

              Dear Jessica,
              Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
              skipping your house.

              Santa

              ************************************************** **
              Dear Santa,
              I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
              PLEASE could I have one?
              Love, Timmy

              Dear Timmy,
              That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
              doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

              Santa

              ************************************************** **
              Dearest Santa,
              We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our
              home?
              Love, Marky

              Dear Mark,
              First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
              your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
              in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
              the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

              Sweet dreams,
              Santa



              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

                Christmas Dog

                Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
                And here it is Christmas Eve.
                The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
                While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.

                What's that now---footsteps on the rooftop?
                Could it be a cat or a mouse?
                Who's this down the chimney?
                A thief with a beard--- And a big sack for robbin' the house?

                I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
                He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
                I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
                I've frightened the whole bunch away.

                Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
                The stockin's are safe as can be.
                Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
                And see how I've guarded the tree.

                ---Shel Silverstein

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

                  Fun With Food

                  2 tsp. water, 4cups sugar
                  4 large eggs, 3 cups dried fruit
                  1 teaspoon baking soda , 1 teaspoon salt
                  4 cups brown sugar , lemon juice, nuts,
                  1 stick butter
                  1 gallon whiskey

                  Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
                  Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
                  Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
                  in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
                  Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
                  Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
                  Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
                  Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
                  Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
                  Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
                  Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
                  Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?


                  hiccup.........

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Check the whiskey again!

                    summerz --

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

                      Priceless!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

                        Here's one to get you over the Christmas blues (the thought of having to go back to work).

                        A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
                        The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”
                        The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
                        The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
                        “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
                        “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.
                        He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”
                        The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”
                        “You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
                        “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
                        “No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.
                        “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business…
                        Now, give me back my dog.”

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

                          lol, gary

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II



                            Love it, Love it, Love it!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Chuckle for the day (jokes/humorous tales here please) Part II

                              Bunnies run / jump in the steeplechase

                              I found it at Cuteoverload.com

                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNPOdffkkLo

                              Comment

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