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CATS VS DOGS
How to Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens its mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore low growl as emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head down with a ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss down another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from wrap.
13) Tie the little *&%#'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm. Remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. [ This is part of the published story, but I know that all of us cat lovers would not think of giving up our cat just for a measly few doctor bills, furniture replacements, etc.]
How to Give A Dog A Pill
1) Wrap it in bacon (or a piece of hot dog, or a piece of cheese...)
2) Done!
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P. S. I've pilled my dogs frequently -- it is true that it is usually just that easy. I have TRIED to pill one of my cats, but I'd already read this (hanging in my vet's office), and never truly believed that I would be successful. I wasn't. I have been able to successfully use the liquid antibiotics, although if they don't willingly lap it up when mixed in their food, you really have to go to step One above and replace the word "pill" with "syringe filled with liquid".
P.P.S. I marvel at the straight face that vets show when they prescribe such things as "give your cat this medicine 4x per day", "don't let your cat (or dog) jump up or down from anything for a week or two...", "just keep this e-collar on your pet for the next 10 days", etc. I've never lived anywhere that had a room with nothing for them to jump up on as soon as they're out of my reach, and I've never been able to stand seeing them wander around with those e-collars (knocking into doorways, being hissed at by the other cats, not being able to fit in the doorway of the covered litterbox, or being able to reach their food or water bowls), so I take them off, and just try to catch them before they lick off whatever they're not supposed to lick off.
How to Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens its mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore low growl as emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head down with a ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss down another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from wrap.
13) Tie the little *&%#'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm. Remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. [ This is part of the published story, but I know that all of us cat lovers would not think of giving up our cat just for a measly few doctor bills, furniture replacements, etc.]
How to Give A Dog A Pill
1) Wrap it in bacon (or a piece of hot dog, or a piece of cheese...)
2) Done!
------------------------------------------------
P. S. I've pilled my dogs frequently -- it is true that it is usually just that easy. I have TRIED to pill one of my cats, but I'd already read this (hanging in my vet's office), and never truly believed that I would be successful. I wasn't. I have been able to successfully use the liquid antibiotics, although if they don't willingly lap it up when mixed in their food, you really have to go to step One above and replace the word "pill" with "syringe filled with liquid".
P.P.S. I marvel at the straight face that vets show when they prescribe such things as "give your cat this medicine 4x per day", "don't let your cat (or dog) jump up or down from anything for a week or two...", "just keep this e-collar on your pet for the next 10 days", etc. I've never lived anywhere that had a room with nothing for them to jump up on as soon as they're out of my reach, and I've never been able to stand seeing them wander around with those e-collars (knocking into doorways, being hissed at by the other cats, not being able to fit in the doorway of the covered litterbox, or being able to reach their food or water bowls), so I take them off, and just try to catch them before they lick off whatever they're not supposed to lick off.
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